Forgiveness vs. Trust in Addiction Recovery: Why They’re Not the Same
Understanding the Difference Between Forgiveness and Trust in Addiction Recovery — Healing Relationships Without Losing Yourself
To really drive the point home that my life in active recovery is a constant work in progress, I wanted to put together a quick cross-post of a podcast episode recently released.
It’s embarrassing to admit this lesson took me so long in life to understand and to put into practice. But that is how life goes living in active recovery. Critical lessons are discovered seemingly late in life.
Yet, nothing is ever truly late.
Part of this journey that I am on is rediscovering what it means to be human.
This week’s podcast episode talks about something I’ve come to learn the hard way: forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.
Especially in the world of addiction recovery.
Why This Topic Matters
Whether you're someone working to set your life on the path of recovery, or you're walking alongside a loved one who is, you’ve probably asked these questions:
Can I ever forgive them?
Can I ever trust them again?
Should I forgive myself?
How long does trust take to rebuild?
These aren’t easy questions. And if you're in recovery like me, you know they aren’t hypothetical. They’re lived, painful, daily realities.
The Roots of Resentment
When I sat down to do Steps 4 and 5, the personal inventory and the confession, what surfaced was a 15-year resentment I’d been carrying deep within me. It wasn’t just about one person. It was a resentment against the world. And it nearly destroyed me.
It took over a decade and a half to genuinely forgive that person. But recently, I found myself facing another painful situation. This time, it took only nine months to get to forgiveness. That’s progress. It doesn’t mean it was easy, but it shows healing and progression are possible and measurable.
Three Kinds of Forgiveness in Recovery
I’ve come to recognize three powerful forms of forgiveness that play out in recovery:
Forgiveness from loved ones
The people we've hurt, those closest to us, that traveled the treacherous road beside us often struggle most with extending forgiveness. They fear it means extending trust too quickly. And that fear is valid.Forgiveness for others
Many addicts, myself included, drink or use because we carry old wounds. Someone hurt us and we never let it go. We held onto that pain like a shield. But that purported armor instead turned out to be a cage.Forgiveness of self (and God)
This might be the most important. Many of us enter recovery believing we’re unlovable. That we’ve done too much damage. But Steps 4 and 5, and later 8 and 9, helped me realize:
Forgiveness starts with me.
If I can’t forgive myself, how can I show up for the rest of my life?
Why Forgiveness Does Not Equal Trust
Here’s the part I misunderstood for far too long: forgiveness is a one-time decision (if done genuinely) and trust is a long-term investment.
Just because someone forgives me, or I forgive myself, that doesn’t mean trust is restored.
Trust is built through daily, intentional actions.
Maintaining Recovery. Living in Honesty. Being Accountable. Showing Up.
In early recovery, I didn’t even trust myself. I was afraid of how I’d react to life on life’s terms. And I had to work through that fear, one day at a time.
When You Don’t Get Forgiveness Right Away
One of the hardest lessons of Step 9 (the amends step) is this:
Not everyone will forgive you.
And that’s okay.
Sometimes, people need time. Sometimes, they never come around. But the act of apologizing, without expectation of outcome, is what heals you.
If You’re a Loved One of an Addict…
Please know: you are not obligated to trust again immediately.
Forgive when you’re ready—but don’t confuse it with putting yourself back in harm’s way.
And if you are withholding forgiveness because you’re afraid it means giving up your boundaries, I encourage you to separate the two.
Forgiveness is release. Trust is earned.
Final Thoughts: Progress Over Perfection
Today, I’m on the cusp of celebrating two years in recovery. And there’s still trust I’m rebuilding. But I’m not focused on any finish line. I’m only focused on the next 24 hours.
I show up.
I maintain my practices1.
I strive to live honestly, aiming to maintain alignment between my words and my actions.
And little by little, the relationships that matter most… start to heal.
If this resonated with you, I’d be grateful if you shared it or left a comment. You never know who might need to hear it.
All the best,
Kyle
🔗 Listen to the Full Episode:
🎧 Spotify: Forgiveness and Trust – Ep 64
🍎 Apple: Chapter 3 Stigma on Apple Podcasts