Why You Don't Say 'No' to Alcohol
Tactics for declining a drink on the year's drunkest day
Welcome to, arguably, the drunkest day of the year.
It has been an interesting experience being open about my struggles to find reprieve from my obsession for control over alcohol. There have been beautiful opportunities to connect with people that are in various places in their lives — recovered addicts, those looking at their life wondering if it has become unmanageable, and then the regular old person who is just curious about drinking less.
I am surprised I have found so much interest in talking with “normies” about drinking. I figured that our experiences didn’t match up and I didn’t believe the tools I had been given would be of much assistance to those who have a seemingly healthy relationship with alcohol.
Yet, I found myself surprised by the value in these conversations and how one particular tool I picked up in early recovery helps even those whose lives are not falling apart all around them due to a substance.
The conversations usually start the same, “You know, I don’t have a problem with alcohol, but I do find myself accepting drinks when I really don’t want to.”
The scenarios vary — a social outing, plane ride home from a work trip, weddings — but through these conversations, I have identified one common root cause, though its presence is often hidden.
Fear.
Fear is a funny thing. It lies at the foundation of every resentment. It drives us, often without our knowledge. It will lead someone towards behaviors that their rational mind wishes to avoid.
Identification of root fears is a major component of the Fourth Step. I tend to view most adverse scenarios through the lens of searching for the fear. I know how foundational fear can be when it comes to driving actions that feel disruptive to our goals or intentions.
I have found that the reason people tend to accept drinks, even when they go into a situation feeling like they don’t want to, fall into two categories of fear.
Fear of judgement
We’re social beings. In our past, banishment from our social circle meant high probability of death. We’re beings that are hyper sensitive to judgement because of this.
When it comes to the modern world, this fear of social ostracization hits us hard, even though the stakes of social banishment are not the same as when we lived out in bands of 150 people. We sense people’s judgement and fear it, and it strikes hard when alcohol becomes involved.
Imagine a work outing, where most everyone is grabbing drinks. A co-worker leans on the bar and says to you, “Let me buy you one, what would you like?” If you’re inclined not to drink that day, generally, one of two thoughts run through people’s minds if the fear of judgement strikes.
If I say no, are they going to think I have a problem?
If I say no, will they feel guilty that they are drinking and I’m not?
These thoughts cause discomfort to rise, we’re often not sure how to handle these thoughts or feelings and the easy path becomes to accept the drink.
Fear of loss
Another funny programming that we have as humans is a concept known as loss aversion. If something is made available to us (where we see it as “ours”) we’re willing to put in much more effort to keep that item than we would ever be willing to work to gain it if it wasn’t “ours”.
My wife and I have used loss aversion to great success with our four year old to drive behavior change. Imagine the complete opposite of earning a certain allowance every week for “good” behavior. Instead, we give him all his money up front in the week, and then remove funds for behavior we don’t prefer.
The issue is when loss aversion sneaks up on you and is detrimental to your long term goals.
The classic scenario when this fear strikes is at open bars, or flying home from a work trip with drink vouchers. “These are free, if I don’t take it now, they’ll be taken away.”
More often than not, the fear is lurking below the surface and we are completely unaware of it. I feel like the most empowering part of identifying the fear is that you can recognize the fear and not let it drive your behavior blindly. You still might choose to drink in these scenarios, but doing it consciously and being aware of the fear subsides any feelings of guilt that may crop up later.
In rehab, we roll played these scenarios. Declining a drink in a social setting is awkward and uncomfortable, there’s no doubt about it. We literally wrote scripts for ourselves to follow and then practiced with a partner over and over.
You don’t have to go to that extreme this holiday season, but if you want to cut back on how much your drinking, you might want to put some effort behind identifying fears that are driving your behavior as well as preparing to say no.
This practice of fear identification has been a life changer for me, and is one of the unheralded components of the 12 step program. Fear drives us blindly so much more than we care to admit. A wonderful soul that I was privileged to meet in rehab told me this:
“A fear spoken is a fear cut in half.”
Happy Thanksgiving to all, cherish the time that you get with loved ones today and bring gratitude forward today and as many days to come as you can.
All the best,
Kyle