The Apparent One Way Street of Addiction
The studies and mechanisms are clear for how to become an addict, but why is that not the case for the unbecoming?
There was an unexpected primer for this post. My wife and I sat down to watch the Aaron Rodgers docu-series, ‘Enigma’, this past week. I knew nothing about it. Growing up a Vikings fan I always found the Packers constant domination quite annoying, and was intrigued to get some backstory on the main character that so often brought defeat to the team that constantly broke our hearts.
As the first episode began to play, my wife made a comment that made me think that there’s some shade being thrown around about this series in some part of the sub-culture in which I pay no attention to. It set me up with skepticism about the series and wondering what I was about to spend the next three hours of my life witnessing.
But here’s the thing that shocked me. As they detailed that balance and distinction that Rodgers was trying to draw between his personal and professional life, he talks like someone living in recovery. I was floored. I watched as he detailed his own quest for understanding and knowledge becoming unlocked as he journeyed through deeply spiritual experiences.
What most people won’t get to connect with is that as he sat conducting interviews for the series after emerging from those retreat experiences, he would have fit right into an AA meeting anywhere in the world. Specifically, he kept talking about the “work” each ceremony demanded. And the insight and freedom that the work was providing. The way he talked about it struck me and got me thinking through the realm of the unknown that exists with in our bodies when going through a transformational journey.
You see, I have a weird, but explainable, past time. I read articles and studies pertaining to the advancing understanding of the mechanisms of addiction. It’s a continuation of a pursuit that I had when I was slowly (and then shockingly not so slowly at the end) destroying and killing myself with alcohol. I was obsessed at finding my solution to controlling my drinking in the depths of some research that would finally explain to me ‘why’ and unlock the ‘how’ of sorting out my life.
After years of reading repeatedly about the impacts on neurotransmitters (GABA, Dopamine, Glutamine, Serotonin, Endorphins of many types, Adenosine and so may others) and their response to alcohol entering the system and how they act in leading to addiction, I was in the same spot that I started. Struggling. And wondering why this new found knowledge wasn’t helping me.
Then I dove into the regions of the brain (Frontal Lobe, Cerebellum, Hippocampus, Hypothalamus, Limbic System, Basal Forebrain) impacted by alcoholism and changes that come about from falling into addictive behavior patterns. I was entering into a hellish cycle of vaguely understanding the chronic damage that I was doing to my systems with no real discovery, or instructions, on how to reverse this process.
Study after study clearly explains the mechanisms behind the creation and formation of addictive behavior. But absolutely nothing within that self-directed knowledge seeking phase was helping me escape the pull and grip that alcohol had on my life.
Then, I made a decision that saved my life. I relented. I was honest with myself and admitted that what I was doing was not working. I went to rehab, my own retreat of sorts. I stopped obsessing over the ‘why’ and attempting to figure out the ‘how’ on my own. I started doing work, being guided by others who had journeyed that path successfully before me. I worked to become honest, open-minded and willing to do anything to set my life on a path of recovery.
Being honest, open-minded and willing led me to my moment of spiritual transformation. Major shifts in perspective happened on two occasions, both times occurring with a flash followed by a slow burn over the course of a few hours and days as the experience settled deep into my soul. Their impacts have been lasting.
As much as I heard words come from Rodgers that reminded me of my own recovery journey and experience, it was something I saw that gave me the greatest, ‘oh shit’ moment in the series. There was a close up shot of Rodgers from the side. He’s not looking directly at the camera, but the angle is not so extreme that you cannot take in his eyes and facial profile.
At an initial glance, he looks weathered and tired. Yet, I saw something. I saw something that existed in the story and transformation of my own face. I saw something that I get to experience every time a newcomer enters into our AA room and commits their life to working the steps and starts seeing the fruits of their labor.
It shows in the eyes first. It then cascades to a manner in which someone holds themself, and it radiates to the rest of their face. Those who have seen it know it. It’s a calm, comforted energy. It’s an understanding and that comes from a real experience and connection with a Higher Power. It’s knowing you’re not alone, that you’re loved and that there is nothing more meaningful and impactful that you can do but work on yourself so that you can be of the greatest service to that Higher Power.
It’s clearly my hope and vision with this work to de-stigmitize the healing journey that is required to overcome something that seems impossible to those inflicted, such as alcoholism. I have become convinced that our society has lost incredible amounts of knowledge about healing, from grief, past experiences, behaviors and chemical dependencies.
The scientific method has yet to dismantle and explain the mechanisms behind the near instantaneous reversal of a problem as severe as alcoholism once that individual has a spiritual revelation. I think as a culture we’re slowly pulling the curtain back on the idea that this method of scientific exploration that we have created is a phenomenal toolset in some instance, and not so great in others.
Honestly, I feel more connected with someone like Rodgers who talks openly about being guided by a feminine energy, because I could talk with him about how the experience that I had was being guided by a masculine energy. A man with a white beard in robes? No, but certainly masculine. And the power of that experience was real and lasting. But how do we measure it and categorize it? You got me there.
At the end of the day, I commend Rodgers for putting this series out there. It is another piece of work that allows previously fringe and taboo healing modalities to start entering into our societal consciousness and conversations. I am not saying that science will never explain the mechanisms of reversing addiction. It just hasn’t done it yet. And that’s ok. It’s probably the wrong tool for the job, anyway.
We need more instances like this, where someone is brave enough to stand up and say, ‘this is the struggle I was having, here is how I relented and was guided, and here is what I have learned’. WedMD won’t provide that type of powerful story arch for those curled in their basement wondering why their life is spiraling out of control.
That’s all I’ve got. All my love,
Kyle