The Not So Obvious Lessons from 18 Months in Recovery

Gender issues, selfishness and suppressed chaos - the unexpected learnings from living a life in active recovery

Yesterday, November 14th, was my 18 month anniversary of entering into a life of active recovery. 18 months of being freed from the obsession over alcohol and 18 months of doing life changing work, each and every day.

I never could have charted out what these first 18 months in recovery would look like. The beautiful thing about recovery, though, is that I am not worried about controlling things like that anymore. These last 18 months have been exactly the way that they should have been, and the only thing that I can control are my actions and reactions in the moment.

Given that, here are six unanticipated lessons that I have learned over the past 18 months.

This journey has truly been so much more than simply not drinking.

There’s no more fear of what a lifetime in recovery means

I had a moment in rehab where I got overwhelmed by the idea that if this stuck, and I did things right, that I would never take another drink of alcohol again in my entire life. I started adding up the days and years of consistency that required and it freaked me out, wondering if I could stay that consistent for so long of a time.

Today, I am freed of that fear. I discovered that they key to the alleviation of that fear resides in the answer to one question - Do I have the willingness to do the work each day required to maintain myself in active recovery?

I can resoundingly answer ‘Yes’ to that with confidence, for today. Tomorrow, I’ll focus on tomorrow. Lucy showed me how powerful willingness is. We’re all so much more capable than we realize, but what matters is how willing we are to do the work that is required of us.

To serve others, appropriate selfishness is required

I find myself in a unique transition phase in my recovery. I’m transitioning from a period of time where I had to be hyper selfish, and focus on my own ability to stand up on my feet and start walking again to a phase where I can actually start being of service to others.

Despite the fact that I am starting to see instances where I am able to appropriately help and guide others, I still come back to my selfish tendencies and needs to maintain my own recovery journey. My thought, at least now, is that if I lose touch with those things that I selfishly need for my own recovery, that I cannot show up to best serve others.

I am going to ensure that my oxygen mask is on snug and tight and that I have oxygen flowing before I turn to help others. A mantra within AA that I cherish is, You cannot pass on to others what you don’t possess yourself. Therefore, with each day, I am going to take the actions that I need to take to ensure I stay living in recovery.

Men need Men and Women need Women to heal

Here’s the thing that has really become drawn out to me sitting through hundreds of hours of group therapy and having really intense conversations with individuals of both genders. Men need other men, and women need other women to facilitate a depth of healing and understanding that the opposite gender just cannot provide.

In AA, it is strictly forbidden for people of the opposite gender to pair up in a sponsor/sponsee relationship. This isn’t some archaic practice that lives on from the 1930’s era, but instead a deliberate focus on where the deepest healing can occur for individuals. Women and men differ just enough that it is incredibly healing to have the perspective and go through the healing journey with an individual of the same gender and a similar outlook on life.

There are clearly deep, meaningful and real relationships that are created between individuals of different genders. Just take the relationship I have and conversation that I had with my close friend Heidi from rehab.

Yet, Heidi and I both recognize there’s a need for each of us to seek healing with members of our own gender. The greatest example of that which I have is the latest podcast and conversation between three male friends - myself, Eric and Ben.

We’ve degraded and lost respect for the beautiful differences, nuance and value that each gender brings into life. It is an aspect of healing that cannot be discarded.

Praying, or talking to God, is a skill that requires practice

These past eighteen months, I have found more comfort and ability to talk with God in my head than I have sitting down and saying a deliberate prayer. Yet, I find comfort and power when I do take the time to cut out all distractions, close my eyes and speak a prayer to God.

95% of the time, I am seeking help with acceptance. My biggest struggle with life, even to this day, is attempting to wrestle with, or control, some aspect of life that I actually have no control over. Given that, I find myself going to the Serenity Prayer the most often when I do take the time to sit down and pray.

In addition to that, I have rediscovered the power and comfort that comes by saying The Lord’s Prayer, especially in a group setting. One of the reason’s I love my AA morning group is that we end each meeting by circling up, holding hands, and speaking The Lord’s Prayer together.

I’m not a improvisor with prayer. Many times, when I see some people attempting to pray as if they’re in a jazz quartet and their chance at a solo has come forth, I get pretty squirmy. I actually find myself quite uncomfortable hearing other people pray, which is an odd issue that I still have to work through. Yet, when I do pray in the moment, the structure of prayer that I find myself falling into is this pattern:

“God, I selfishly desire [enter situation or outcome that I hope for], but if that is not in your plan, please grant me the strength of acceptance.”

Alyssa and I prayed in this manner prior to every specialist visit that we had for Lucy, never knowing if we’d hear a heartbeat that day.

Overall, I have realized that prayer is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice to hone the craft.

I don’t need an intensely visual life vision

Arnold Schwarzenegger has famously talked about how from a very young age, he could see himself standing on the stage, with the lights on him, receiving the trophy and admiration for being body building champion of the world. For much of my adult life, I followed a very similar practice. I believed that having a Vision for your life meant that you could close your eyes and feel all kinds of sensations about this moment you look forward to in your life.

Since entering recovery, I have scrapped that concept. I still believe in it and in the power of that visual practice. Honestly, there likely is something to the manifesting power of that sort of practice. Yet, I recognize that’s not where I am at in life right now.

Entering into rehab, I had an intensely visual life vision. It included me with a glass of wine in my hand. Recognizing that, I entirely discarded that vision and started over.

In starting over, I began with words. Given what we went through with the loss of Lucy, I surprisingly found that I was able to refine those words and craft for myself an incredibly compelling vision statement for my life. It is this:

I am a Provider and Protector: Spiritually, Emotionally and Physically

For those of you following along, you may see how important the Three Pillars are to me, as I have made them a foundational part of my life vision.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still go through the practice of visualization from time to time. It’s a powerful tool. Yet, I don’t see it as the bedrock of living my life in active recovery. Instead, I think about my vision statement above and ground all of my actions and energy against that statement.

The potential for chaos and destruction still lives within me

My name is Kyle, I am an alcoholic. The unspoken part of that statement that some people lose sight of is this - I am an alcoholic for life. I am convinced of this. No matter how grounded in my practices and pillars of Recovery that I am, regardless of how many AA meetings that I have attended in my life, the potential for destruction still lives within me, and it always will.

I practice something when I drive alone every once in a while. I look to the empty seat next to me and I picture that part of me that nearly destroyed my life sitting there next to me. I’m not fearful of it, I just recognize that it still exists. In a very twisted action, I find myself thanking that destructive potential for what it has given me in life.

My life has become so full and enriched that it is hard to fathom. Yet, I could not have achieved this level of enrichment without that knowledge that the potential for chaos and destruction still lives within me. I work every single day to set it at ease, but I have come to a point of comfort with it living within me. It’s part of me, and it is who I am.

These last eighteen months have been the most humbling and honorable days that I have ever lived in my life. The friendships and relationships have grown in a manner that I never thought possible, and I just want to thank each and every one of you that has made it to this point in the post and our grander journey for being a part of my life. You’re well loved, and I’m forever grateful for what you have given to me and my family during these trials and period of growth.

Onward and upward,

Kyle