The Danger of Success
On pride, accomplishment, and the way self-sufficiency can lead to isolation
I awoke to a pounding headache and a turn of my stomach that must have caused my sudden wakefulness. The world was dark, but even in the darkness I could sense I was seeing the world through blurred vision. My mind reeled.
Where am I? What happened?
I started piecing together the evening prior and stretching my mind back as far as I could go as consciousness started returning to me.
I am many days into a bender. But why?
My mind kept tracing backwards, kept searching for that moment when I decided to start drinking. No doubt there were plans to contain the spree to a single day, but I was nearly certain it was early Friday morning and my foggy memory was landing on an event Tuesday that had sent me to the store unexpectedly to purchase drinks.
That day, I had received my annual raise at work and navigated my way through a challenging workout. I remember standing in the front entryway, cooling down before heading to a shower with my mind swirling and buzzing with endorphins from the past few hours.
You deserve a drink.
The thought that started it all.
People often talk about how faith is challenged at your lowest points. Nihilism, anger, resentfulness, and bitterness can all enter one’s heart during these low moments. That much appears obvious, and I’d venture to guess many readers have experienced wavering faith in those moments of their lives.
But there is an equal, and possibly more risky, moment in life: when success and praise start coming one’s way after working towards and achieving a desired outcome, or when you experience that first high moment after a tumultuous period of life that had previously brought you to your knees, negotiating with God that you would give everything to Him if He would just deliver your desired outcome. “God, if you would just do this for me, I will never doubt you,” is a prayer I have said and heard many times before.
Upon calmer waters, the ego steps forward. Pride, lust, and greed can all creep in. They can distort our understanding of the gifts and capabilities God has granted us until one of the most dangerous thoughts enters our minds: I’ve got this… myself.
This is more of a risk than any of us care to believe.
I haven’t found a more dangerous phrase for a recovering addict than “I’ve got this.” In my short time surrounded by a community of recovering addicts, I have sat through well over half a dozen renditions of this story. After years—sometimes decades—of sobriety, someone begins believing they can manage recovery entirely on their own.
A major reason I keep going back to AA is to receive these kinds of stories. I have seen the humility and courage it takes for someone with more than two decades of sobriety to return after believing they could manage life on their own. After losing themselves for more than a month, they return, humbly asking for help again. I hear how quickly accomplishment can give way to pride, how pride can lead to isolation, and how the illusion of self-sufficiency can slowly separate them from the practices, the people, and the God at the center of their recovery.
In early recovery, the phrase I feared to hear myself utter most was: Fuck it. It was the nihilistic point of view that had darkened my world and permitted me to view the world only through a lens of chaos and evil.
Today, more than anything, I stand guard against this phrase: I’ve got this myself.