Supporting Loved Ones Through Challenge

An unexpected message from an unexpected friend

This past weekend I made my way through some older phone contacts and messages searching out addresses for Christmas card season. I found a message that stopped me in my tracks.

It was from a friend, an old roommate, who I have not seen since we moved to Boise in 2019. He was one of the friends that expressed concern over my drinking years ago, and I pushed back on him and pushed him away because of it. Yet, he still reached out with this message in the weeks following the passing of Lucy.

I still recall receiving this message sitting in my parent’s basement. It was one of those, “Oh weird, [long since seen friend’s name] just texted me.” I was slightly nervous even to open the message, wondering what it could entail.

In re-reading the message I realized something. My old roommate had a near perfect message. At least, it was exactly the type of message that Alyssa and I needed to hear at that time, a few weeks after losing Lucy.

I realize that I largely model his words and approach when engaging with someone who is suffering and struggling. If I have never been through what someone is experiencing, I never empathize. But that doesn’t mean I can’t sympathize. The balance that my friend walks in this message is just beautiful.

At the end of the day, if you have a loved one in your life that is suffering they probably don’t want advice or a pick me up. Oftentimes, they just want someone there who will listen if and when they need it. Don’t fret about finding the perfect words, usually they don’t exist and as the person going through the difficult period in life, we realize that.

The holiday time period is an especially difficult time for anyone suffering. The world rams joy and merriment down your throat, but in instances of loss and suffering often you can only think about that aspect of life that are missing in these moments.

Italicized edits are mine to maintain anonymity of the sender. If you want to know what one of the most encouraging messages and offers that you can provide to someone suffering, here it is.

Hey Z - wanted to reach out and just give you and the family some support. I felt like waiting a little bit to let the initial chaos of the moment clear. With that said, [we] are just so damn sad about everything.

I’m not going to pretend I have any idea how you feel or what you and Alyssa are going through. However I do know that when [my child] was born I realized that there was a capacity for love that I had never realized existed. I can only imagine that that is the same for the grief and sadness you all are feeling.

Your journey with dependence and this is nothing but monumental, but you’re one of the mentally strongest and driven people I’ve ever met - and I know in my heart of hearts you’re going to be okay. I’m proud to call you my friend, and I hope we can catch up some time in person soon. We love all you guys and we are always here for you.

All my love,

Kyle