Steps in Action - Working Through a Resentment

A glimpse into the mindset of an alcoholic as I navigate a point of disruption and turmoil in my life

Two nights. There have been two distinct nights for me in my entire 14 plus month time living in active recovery that I was unsettled enough that I could not fall asleep.

The first night was on March 27th of this year. I was disturbed that week. It was my first time traversing the days alone during the three month anniversary of Lucy’s birth, life and death anniversaries. March 27th was three months since her passing. I didn’t have my normal outlets during the day, some weird things were going on at work (which we’ll get to in a moment) and I was unsettled by the very obvious shift in seasons away from Winter and into Spring.

Lucy died at 11:57 pm on the 27th of December. My eyes stayed open on March 27th staring at my bedside clock until 11:58 pm. Then I slept.

The second night of unrest was today. July 16th (technically rolling into July 17th, as I’m writing this at ~2 am) a day which holds no bearing of significance. Yet I am unsettled enough to be awake and typing. Why? I have encountered a situation in my life that is firing up and feeding the systems within me which used to lead me to develop and harbor deep resentments against individuals and against the world.

And then I would drink.

Something is different in this instance, something has changed within me. Despite the feeling and recognition of the pathways being fired that used to lead me to drink, I feel strength in that I have no desire to chase any of this away with alcohol. I have developed the ability to first and foremost recognize the scenario, recognize that there has been a shift in my serenity and discontent with the situation. And then I am able to take a step back and progress through an assessment of the situation with the ultimate and desired outcome being to rid myself of any resentment.

Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were “burned up”.

-Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 64-65

Here is where some background will be needed to build the context for the next steps (literally Steps 4 & 10 of Alcoholic Anonymous’ 12 Step Program) to make any sense. My objective here is to lay out the scenario with just enough detail to inform the reader at the expense of making you bored diving into what is fundamentally a work issue for me. Yet, it is something that is actively shaking my serenity and so I feel like this will be an interesting exercise to capture to show you what this 12 step stuff is all about.

On Tuesday I received my mid-year performance feedback. It was not what I was expecting. I ultimately got placed in the bottom fourth of performers. Ouch. What stung the most was that as I read through the review that framed the justification behind the rating, I began discovering omissions, downplays of accomplishments and then statements that were entirely inconsistent with the facts. I felt shocked, hurt and betrayed. And it fired something up in me.

I went through the document, feverishly commenting on every “wrong” statement I felt was unjustified and highlighting the glaring omissions. Then I hopped on the call with my boss. I told him straight out this wasn’t going to be easy. At this point, my resentment hadn’t fully built, and I was actually quite calm, even joking around with my boss while we waited for another to join the conversation. But things were brewing.

As the conversation played out I began to realize that my initial feelings might be right and therefore justified. I didn’t get the feeling that my boss, a man who had stood by me and stood up for me, over the past 14 months had a lot of answers to the questions that I had about the write up and the rating. The anger and the resentment was building with my boss for not standing up for me and with my employer for having a system that incentivizes short sighted objectives and what I see as perverse action from individuals.

Finally I stated flat out, “it seems like you were forced to craft a narrative to fit a rating.” Silence. Absolutely nothing in response.

“I GOT HIM!” I thought.

What a fool I am.

I left the conversation in full on rage and resentment building mode. My manipulative mind started spinning up, figuring out how I could get back at my employer and those that did not stand up for me.

I started projecting into the future and grieving what I was about to start losing. My mind started playing forward how this means I have to actively job search the next six months (the tech market is a laughing stock right now for job seekers), I thought about how I’m going to lose the ability to provide for my family, how I won’t be able to pick Grant up from daycare each day anymore and how every positive that I have with this job will be lost.

Yet, nothing has actually happened yet.

I spent the next two days going back over the document, finding more inconsistencies and omissions and getting well too obsessed and wrapped up over this scenario. I conversed with three individuals about this situation. I vented and expressed my frustration to my wife far more than I should have. But I also knew that I had tools at my disposal this time around, and so eventually I went to them.

The first thing that I did Wednesday morning (sorry for jumping back in time here) was text my sponsor. I let him know I was alright, but I summarized what had happened and asked if we could meet over the weekend. I knew I would need a few days to put the steps in action, and that is precisely what happened.

By Friday I was able to learn more through my various conversations at work about how the performance management process works. I had enough time for the initial shock of the review and what it likely meant for my future with the company* to assess the situation rationally. I was ready to do my inventory for this situation.

*I expect many of you are reading this thinking, Kyle, you got slotted in the bottom 1/4, it can’t be that bad. Well, if you’ve paid attention to the tech industry (and economy as a whole mind you) lately, you’ll realize that the cool thing to do is layoff 10-20% of your workforce. At random. There are odd dynamics at play here in the market. On top of that, my employer just hired a top executive from Amazon, the evil empire of tech, and his stated goal with the role that I work is to slash and burn. He wants things to be the Amazon way, which is this weird combination of overworking people like any Elon Musk run company plus take the GE approach of firing your bottom percentage of employees every year. As you’ll see later and as I’m sure you’re wondering if you’re reading this ever so long footnote… why the hell would you want to be a part of this game anyway?

So I put pen to paper and I started writing. Here are the two steps out of the 12 step program dealing with resentments and inventory, and here is how I applied them (making it vague to ensure I can maintain employment for at least 6 more months).

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Here is my step work for this scenario.

Who do I harbor a resentment against: My employer and my team leadership.

What is the cause of this resentment: I received poor feedback on performance management, the company is phasing out remote work employees (that’s me!), there were statements that were inconsistent with the facts in my performance review, I feel they are setting me up to be let go at the end of the year.

This scenario affects my: Confidence, vision of the future (ie being able to pick Grant up from daycare), financial stability, desire to have a “quiet” and peaceful 6 months.

Now - this is how the step work is presented, to detail these situations out in these three “columns”. However, there is a fourth column, and it is vital in order to truly let go and find serenity once again. The fourth column details what I have done to manifest this situation.

My contributions to this scenario: I did not understand how the performance management process works, I failed to give the most compelling argument to my manager to argue on my behalf, I underperformed (fell below my own potential and expectations for myself), I refuse to move for this job and this employer.

There it is. Plain as day. This is on me, I allowed this situation to happen. After writing out my contributions to this scenario, it was like a weight was lifted. Here I had things written down in front of me that I could now control, that I could work against, to possibly save myself from being let go at the end of the year.

It was clear to me, there was nothing left to do but work and prepare.

And so that’s what I have been doing. I have entirely let go of any resentment towards my employer or individuals that were involved in the situation. I actually caught myself wondering if I’m letting them off too easy! The mind of an alcoholic is strange indeed.

It’s a miracle to me that this is possible in my life now. Before, this situation would have stayed with me for years and would have been at the root cause of some serious lack of serenity and a lot of drinking. But not today.

The ability to stop the building of a resentment, to cut of the thing that is at the root of all those who are afflicted with alcoholism, is the great power of these steps. I have proven to myself that it is possible. This situation would have destroyed me before. Maybe it would have been the final time. Maybe the bender that I would have gone on from this instance would have ended things.

We’ll never know, because it never happened. I am truly at peace and have fully accepted this situation. God has a plan, and this is just part of it.

Love you all, thanks for following along. This step work in action is pretty incredible to experience.

Kyle