Rocketed Into a 4th Dimension - One Year Later
Reflecting back on the power of a radical spiritual disruption that became my new foundation in faith
This week marks a year from the moment that I found my permanent solution to alcoholism. A year since being “rocketed into a 4th dimension”, an experience so profound that I had a complete emotional and spiritual upheaval that settled me in a place that I never knew could exist. I found my personal relationship with God. But in doing so, Alyssa and I were faced with the greatest challenge that either of us would ever encounter in our lives up to this point. Those moments following the discovery that Lucy’s life was at serious risk on August 8th, 2023 will forever stand out to Alyssa and I as a day of intense transformation.
Between the time of leaving rehab and the morning of August 8th, 2023 I felt freedom, incredible potential and real hope. I genuinely questioned if things would ever again become difficult when it came to my alcoholism. There is a concept in recovery called The Pink Cloud that individuals tend to fall into during the early phases of recovery. Life is so much better off your substance of choice, there is this euphoric state that people find themselves in, that if they are not careful, can lead them to crashing and burning at the first obstacle they encounter on their new journey in recovery.
I was hyper aware that I was likely dealing with Pink Cloud symptoms in the days and weeks following my departure from rehab. I knew I needed to prepare myself for what would lay ahead. But I felt so incredible. Life was nothing but potential. I sensed that I had discovered my new freedom, and I never wanted to lose it. And then it happened, I let the thought slip through my mind, “will this ever get difficult again?”
I was so innocent, so unaware of the real risks, when I walked through the doors of the ultrasound room that morning. My only real concern that morning was that I hoped the doctor didn’t slip up and spill the beans to us on our baby’s gender. Little did I know the anxiety, fear and emotions that would come with every single ultrasound visit from that point forward. In fact, as I took my place in the room that morning and Alyssa and the doctor got prepared to check in on our yet to be named child, I actually thought proudly of the progression that I had made in the time that we had been with this same doctor checking on Grant.
There was a doctor’s visit while Alyssa was pregnant with Grant where I was detoxing. I don’t recall how many days it had been since I drank, but I remember a racing heart, concentrating intensely on each breath in and out, and honestly wondering if I collapsed right there in the room how quickly could they get the right personnel in there from the ER to revive me. I was not able to focus between the obsession over my lungs and my heart - could I take one more breath and would I get another beat out of my heart?
As the ultrasound display started kicking up the black and white image the morning of August 8th, I sat in my corner with immense gratitude that I could just settle in and enjoy seeing our baby. While I was physically displaced from Alyssa due to the layout of the room, I had a beautiful view of the monitor and could look right into Alyssa’s eyes as she gazed at the screen. Seeing someone you love take on the challenge and transformation into an incredible mother is something that is difficult to describe with words, but I could see it in Alyssa’s eyes that morning as we both rapidly scanned the screen pretending to know what we were looking at.
Then came the question.
“Now, can you remind me, have you done genetic testing with this pregnancy?”
Weird. Our doctor had an odd sense of humor and a dry personality, but why would he ask that?
“No…” Alyssa and I both separately sputtered that word out, our eyes darting from each other’s, the doctor and the screen.
The doctor asked us to look away while he looked at the gender, those brief seconds felt like an eternity as Alyssa and I locked eyes. Concern filled Alyssa’s face and I could sense my own mind ramping up, spinning, my heart rate accelerating in anticipation of what was to come next.
The doctor’s next statement catapulted me to a place that I have never been before.
“I am seeing something concerning…”
I can’t even state with certainty that those were even the first words out of his mouth after he checked the gender. But hearing those words launched me into another dimension of life, space and time that is so difficult to describe to anyone.
My mind immediately fell to the thought of, ‘This is what you deserve. This is God punishing you for all those years of lying, of being less than you should have been. You deserve this for dragging everyone through hell with you during your battle with alcoholism. You had this coming.’
In the time it took for those words to manifest and race through my mind, I just as suddenly had an intense shift in perspective. It was so profound and shocking to my system that I had to hold myself back from shouting out loud,
“NO THAT’S NOT RIGHT”
My old ways of thinking and of seeing the world were suddenly and completely shattered right before my very eyes. The idea that I was receiving punishment for my past transgressions was totally and utterly destroyed right in front of me.
In its place I realized, and I saw with my own eyes, God’s plan. Not his plan of the future, or anything to do with becoming all-knowing. But just plainly and simply, that there is a plan.
As I experienced the moment I suddenly realized that all my life had been building up to this point. My entire existence felt like it had perfectly prepared me for this very moment. I was awakened to the fact that God always knew Lucy would come into my life, and in order to prepare for the hardships that lay ahead, I had to suffer through everything I had traversed with my alcoholism.
He always knew.
By the time I came back into the room and picking up on the what the doctor and Alyssa were talking about, there was discussion about getting into specialists immediately. The doctor had a hypothesis of what he was seeing, but we needed confirmation. He stated that this is so rare because baby’s with this condition don’t tend to make it to 16 weeks of gestation. For the first time we were really prepared that our little girl’s future was at risk.
The days, weeks and months played out as many of you are very familiar with at this point. Constant doctor visits, continual additions of new unknowns, a physical move, a beautiful birth and a loving and peaceful passing. Despite the struggles and the weight of the suffering Alyssa and I always knew God was there with us to help bear the load.
Lucy’s life is a miracle. A more subtle miracle that occurred for myself was that from August 8th, 2023 until now, never have I once felt angry at or betrayed by God for what we went through. In fact, I feel incredibly blessed and honored that we were given the opportunity to bear the weight of this suffering to allow Lucy her 8 days on this earth and for her to have such a wide spread impact on those that she met.
There is something strange that occurs with grief. When dealing with loss, and selfishly longing to have what was taken from you, there’s a real risk that you lose out and miss the things that are right in front of you.
Encountering these significant milestones as August 8th is in our life are important to reflect back, to remember, and to witness growth. I think most importantly they can allow yourself to realize what you have in front of you. We have a beautiful, spunky, energetic, loving and wild son who turns 3 this week. We’re taking time to retreat as a family to a lakeside cabin and celebrate the shit out of this wild little redhead and just love on each other as a family.
So, here’s to God and his plan. It will never go the way you think it should, but it’s always there. Do what you can to make yourself into the best version of you that you can possibly muster and see what unfolds. It’s truly incredible to experience.
That’s all I’ve got for now.
Kyle