Startling title for content created for addicts, huh? Let me be clear - I have had no alcohol enter my system, nor any desire for any alcohol consumption, despite the shocking title. But I’m still calling attention to a relapse that occurred in my life over the past few days. How can that be? What you all are about to witness in this post, and coming podcasts and writing, is the practice of recovery in action.
So where to start? Over the past few days there have been a million different directions that my mind has gone, thought patterns I fell into that have not been traversed in months and a sleepless night that harkened back to experiences going through detox after benders.
At the core of all of this is a common theme that runs through the rooms of rehab, AA and any other space where addicts congregate. Resentment.
Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.
-Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 64
Here is what is especially imperative to understand about addicts. More than anyone, we are champions at building and harboring resentments. We have such skill and ability at holding onto a situation where we feel wronged, and we scheme and manipulate to feel like we have gained redemption for this wrong. We obsess over it like nothing else. It leads us to use and destroy our lives.
We are also incredible at overlooking the wrongs that we have done to lead to or become involved in the situation. We continue to feel wronged and hurt, and in an interesting twist of madness we continue to hurt ourselves, at its simplest form by wallowing in self-pity. But that’s where the step work and taking your own personal inventory comes into play.
Let me be clear - read through those last two paragraphs and replace “we” with “I”. I generalized the statements, but this is me, Kyle Zibrowski, this is how it all goes down in my mind. So I need it addressed, I need to rid myself of this burden and quickly. The most frightening aspect of this last week was how quickly and effectively my mind was able to return to scheming and plotting retribution for these wrongs I felt. I am a master manipulator, and sensing that return into my life scared me outright.
The actual execution of the step work will be covered in a coming post.
One more item I think we need to revisit the Pillars of Recovery. Upon leaving rehab, my mind was obsessed over relapse prevention. I departed rehab with a healthy fear of alcohol. I was stepping back into a world that was largely uncontrolled and filled with opportunities to gain access to the substance that had completely controlled me and nearly destroyed my life.
So I had fear, and that felt appropriate.
But I knew that I couldn’t live my life with that constant underlying fear. I had to find a way to live fearless. The 12 Steps are phenomenal, they are a time tested method of solving people’s issues with addiction. This may sound odd, but I wanted more. I desired a way to check in with myself and know how I was doing in a manner that made sense to me. I wanted a foundation so strong that I could know with certainty that alcohol would never take control of my life the way that it had for over 12 years leading up to this point.
And I figured one out.
There was a comment made during one of my sessions in rehab about the maintenance cycle of recovery and also about relapse. I was shocked during my time in rehab how relapse is just accepted as this thing that happens and that it’s a natural part of most people’s recovery journey. Here I was, sitting in a place ripped away from family and friends, pay ungodly amounts of money to be there, sacrificing aspects of my career and I’m being told it’s acceptable to relapse as a part of my story?
No thanks, I’ll pass.
But there was a nugget of gold that was delivered in that session that I couldn’t stop thinking about. The instructor made some comment about these relapse scenarios are generally preceded by an emotional or spiritual disruption of some sort. Family drama, difficulties with work, etc. that causes the alcoholic to say, “fuck it” and put bottle to mouth. That lesson and side comment stuck with me as I journeyed out into the world following rehab.
I kept wondering, how do I monitor this and stay on top of things so that I never get to the point of physical relapse? I witnessed far too many friends quickly go back to their drug of choice as the days outside of the walls of rehab grew.
Then, just like that, the answer was revealed to me through Lucy.
When we found out about Lucy, and I really discovered what it means to have a personal relationship with God. Everything suddenly clicked for me in terms of relapse prevention. You see, the physical relapse (bottle to mouth) is just the end of a progression of relapses. They can happen quickly, or they can happen slowly, but if these relapses are not addressed they will lead to someone drinking again. I have witnessed the progression time and time again with friends in the world of recovery.
What you all are about to experience here (if you decide to follow along between the Substack page and podcast) is a nearly live, very raw and likely clumsy example of dealing with a building resentment in my life that caused me to relapse emotionally. On a Tuesday. And I’m still recovering today (Saturday).
Here is how relapse works, plain and simple. A person relapses Spiritually and Emotionally prior to relapsing Physically. This is where this gets raw and clumsy. Until this week, I genuinely believed that the progression of relapse occurred first Spiritually, followed by Emotional and then Physical. Writing that out makes me feel childish for believing such a clean, linear progression. I realize now I’ve been framing this entirely wrong.
Your Spiritual and Emotional Pillars are your guardians. They are what is protecting you from exposing your Physical Pillar to the risk of relapse. The are the gates, the foundation and the protectors. There’s nothing linear or clean about this at all. It’s dynamic, multi-dimensional, complicated and straight forward all at the same time. Spiritual and Emotional Fitness are the strong protectors that circle up when a threat arises*.
*Yes, I just linked a video of Musk Ox and a Wolf to explain relapse prevention. I love animals and I love the fact that my son is so into animals at this point in his life. If you want to know a number of seemingly random facts about a random animal such as the American Pronghorn, I’ve got you, just ask.
What occurred this week is that I relapsed emotionally. I’m still working on describing exactly what that means, but here is why I know it happened. Tuesday I received news that sideswiped me and seemingly threatened my sense of security and identity. Details to come in subsequent posts. Tuesday night into Wednesday morning I didn’t sleep. I laid in bed and was horrified to realized that I was experiencing 80% of the exact same symptoms that I experienced when I was going through a detox from alcohol after a bender.
It terrified me.
But this time, I had tools, I knew a solution existed and I put them into action.
So I got out of bed and I started reading, writing, reaching out to my sponsor and letting the emotions work their way through my system. Eventually I was able to find sleep, but this realization that the vast majority of my detox experience was actually anxiety, my emotions running away from me and the underlying thought patterns that swirl through my head as I lay there wide awake in bed shocked me to the core.
I am still recovering. Right here, right now as I type this all out to you I am trying to build my emotional stability back up. Thank God for God. Thank God for being in active recovery. I didn’t drink. I didn’t desire to drink. But I would be lying if I didn’t say that I recognize this is a situation that would have destroyed my life 15 months ago.
So that’s the set up. I obviously haven’t even detailed the situation, but between the podcast and this newsletter I am going to promise you all a very ugly and raw look into how these steps work. This is the action that is required to maintain a life in active recovery. While I may have experienced a few rocky days, and I have a very difficult road ahead of me, I did not make the situation worse by drinking. I still have my personal relationship and trust in God. I can let things go. I am focused on progress, not perfection, and through this situation I am showing progress.
Again - thank God for God.
That’s all I’ve got for now.
All my love, thank you for reading and listening.
Kyle