It has been an interesting experience being open about my struggles to find reprieve from my obsession for control over alcohol. There have been beautiful opportunities to connect with people that are in various places in their lives — recovered addicts, those looking at their life wondering if it has become unmanageable, and then the regular old person who is just curious about drinking less.

I am surprised I have found so much interest in talking with “normies” about drinking. I figured that our experiences didn’t match up and I didn’t believe the tools I had been given would be of much assistance to those who have a seemingly healthy relationship with alcohol.

Yet, I found myself surprised by the value in these conversations and how one particular tool I picked up in early recovery helps even those whose lives are not falling apart all around them due to a substance.

The conversations usually start the same, “You know, I don’t have a problem with alcohol, but I do find myself accepting drinks when I really don’t want to.”

The scenarios vary — a social outing, plane ride home from a work trip, weddings — but through these conversations, I have identified one common root cause, though its presence is often hidden.

Fear.

Fear is a funny thing. It lies at the foundation of every resentment. It drives us, often without our knowledge. It will lead someone towards behaviors that their rational mind wishes to avoid.

Identification of root fears is a major component of the Fourth Step. I tend to view most adverse scenarios through the lens of searching for the fear. I know how foundational fear can be when it comes to driving actions that feel disruptive to our goals or intentions.

I have found that the reason people tend to accept drinks, even when they go into a situation feeling like they don’t want to, fall into two categories of fear.

Fear of judgement

We’re social beings. In our past, banishment from our social circle meant high probability of death. We’re beings that are hyper sensitive to judgement because of this.

When it comes to the modern world, this fear of social ostracization hits us hard, even though the stakes of social banishment are not the same as when we lived out in bands of 150 people. We sense people’s judgement and fear it, and it strikes hard when alcohol becomes involved.

Imagine a work outing, where most everyone is grabbing drinks. A co-worker leans on the bar and says to you, “Let me buy you one, what would you like?” If you’re inclined not to drink that day, generally, one of two thoughts run through people’s minds if the fear of judgement strikes.

If I say no, are they going to think I have a problem?

If I say no, will they feel guilty that they are drinking and I’m not?

These thoughts cause discomfort to rise, we’re often not sure how to handle these thoughts or feelings and the easy path becomes to accept the drink.

Fear of loss

Another funny programming that we have as humans is a concept known as loss aversion. If something is made available to us (where we see it as “ours”) we’re willing to put in much more effort to keep that item than we would ever be willing to work to gain it if it wasn’t “ours”.

My wife and I have used loss aversion to great success with our four year old to drive behavior change. Imagine the complete opposite of earning a certain allowance every week for “good” behavior. Instead, we give him all his money up front in the week, and then remove funds for behavior we don’t prefer.

The issue is when loss aversion sneaks up on you and is detrimental to your long term goals.

The classic scenario when this fear strikes is at open bars, or flying home from a work trip with drink vouchers. “These are free, if I don’t take it now, they’ll be taken away.”

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More often than not, the fear is lurking below the surface and we are completely unaware of it. I feel like the most empowering part of identifying the fear is that you can recognize the fear and not let it drive your behavior blindly. You still might choose to drink in these scenarios, but doing it consciously and being aware of the fear subsides any feelings of guilt that may crop up later.

In rehab, we roll played these scenarios. Declining a drink in a social setting is awkward and uncomfortable, there’s no doubt about it. We literally wrote scripts for ourselves to follow and then practiced with a partner over and over.

You don’t have to go to that extreme this holiday season, but if you want to cut back on how much your drinking, you might want to put some effort behind identifying fears that are driving your behavior as well as preparing to say no.

This practice of fear identification has been a life changer for me, and is one of the unheralded components of the 12 step program. Fear drives us blindly so much more than we care to admit. A wonderful soul that I was privileged to meet in rehab told me this:

“A fear spoken is a fear cut in half.”

Happy Thanksgiving to all, cherish the time that you get with loved ones today and bring gratitude forward today and as many days to come as you can.

All the best,

Kyle

I hope you enjoy! This is an unfinished product with a target publication date of early 2026, but this chapter in particular has been worked and refined to a point that I am excited to share it with you. Please drop me a comment or email about what you think if you feel so inclined!

Picking up where the podcast ended…

“Well that’s everything, there’s not much here besides the basics to get you healthy.” Aaron said as he raised his eyebrows and smiled at me, “Just remember that everyone is here to help you recover.”

Suddenly a stream of people started exiting out of the corridor that led to a large community space.

“Looks like group just wrapped up and everyone’s headed to lunch.” Aaron said, smiling and waving at the patients as they walked by, “Why don’t you head to the cafeteria and get some lunch with them?”

I let the mass of moving people pass me and followed the final person as the group made their way to the cafeteria. Meals consisted of grabbing a tray and walking yourself through a serving line to have whatever that meal was placed on your plate by a smiling kitchen staff behind the counter.

“Welcome, honey, you’re doin’ the right thing.”

The comment snapped me from the daze that I was in and surprised me enough to look up and crack a quick smile at the cook serving me my meal from behind the counter.

“Thank you.” I replied, feeling slightly self-conscious that my fear of being here must be showing through for someone to make a comment like that.

I turned from the food line and scanned the scene. A hand suddenly shot up and waved itself around that I picked up in my peripherals and I moved my vision in that direction. Someone was waving me over to their table, and finding quick relief at the idea of not having to make this decision myself, I moved towards them.

“Hey, man, welcome. You want to sit here with me? My name is Gary.”

“Yeah, thanks.” I said, noticing eyes in the room looking my way as I slid into the spot across the table from Gary.

“People are always interested in what the new person’s story is.” Gary commented, turning around and making reference to the glances that our table was receiving from around the room, “So what are you in here for? What’s your drug of choice?”

The bluntness of the question slammed into me and froze me in place as I was reaching for my water. I was stunned and frightened.

How could someone ask such a deep and personal question within the first seconds of meeting me?

My mind seized up.

How do I even respond to that?

As if he caught onto my hesitation, Gary quickly followed up the question by saying, “I’m an alcoholic and a coke addict. Coke’s my real weakness, but I can’t drink and avoid coke too, so it really all starts with alcohol for me.” Gary shook his head, smiled and looked up, seemingly staring into the ether, “Coke just completely ruined my life.”

I didn’t think the shock could hit harder, but it did.

How was this guy talking about his addiction in such a casual manner?

“So, what’s your drug of choice?” Gary asked me once again.

I readied myself to respond. I had been running from this question for so long, hiding from it and suppressing it every time that it would pop up as an idea in my mind over the past twelve years. Suddenly, I was faced with the opportunity to speak it for the first time in my life and I found myself in need of courage that I never realized uttering a single word would require.

“Al-”, the word got stuck in my throat, “Alc-”, I cleared my throat in one final vain attempt to buy myself another second before having the word finally exit my mouth, “Alcohol.”

Gary looked back at me and nodded, absolutely unphased and completely non-judgemental.

“What did you drink? Were you a beer guy or hard liquor?”

Holy shit, does this guy not understand that I just want to spend the next twenty-eight days alone, figure my issue out and go home fixed?

This was not what I was expecting within my first few minutes of being let loose in rehab. I have just been asked two questions in a row that have been the deepest secrets that I kept hidden from the world over the past years, and here Gary sits just shooting straight to the point.

As those thoughts raced through my mind I recognized something that had already happened to me. In answering Gary’s first question to me, a small bit of relief had descended over me. I had never admitted to having a problem with alcohol before that moment, and I could sense a small transfer of power that had shifted within me.

I looked straight into Gary’s eyes.

Fuck it, I’m going to just tell this guy everything.

With that I launched into a conversation with Gary that altered the course of my life. I opened up and was completely honest with another human being for the first time in well over two and a half years. I hid nothing. I felt myself finally being freed of the shackles that I had bound myself with throughout the years of lying.

Gary reciprocated. He shared the details of his struggles and the maddening symptoms of his addiction. We had incredible commonalities from playing financial games to hide our addiction from loved ones, to talking out loud to ourselves prior to entering into a bender, begging ourselves not to take that first drink and always losing out to the drink.

Suddenly, the cafeteria was empty and it was just Gary and I sitting alone. I glanced down at my plate and realized that I hadn’t eaten a single bite in the time that we were talking.

“We have a bit of a break before the afternoon session and people tend to hang out in the central courtyard.” he said, motioning through the glass walls that separated the cafeteria from the open central space of the facility.

“Why don’t we head out and I’ll introduce you to some of the people in our group?”

With that I threw a few pieces of food in my mouth that would be sufficient to hold me over until dinner. I wasn’t all that hungry, anyway, still dealing with the shock of entry into this surreal experience. The medication that I had been given upon entry to minimize the risk of seizures during my detox period was setting in as well, making me feel slightly lethargic.

Yet, as I rose from the table I noticed something different. A lightness and freedom existed in my movements after that lunchtime conversation. It was the first time that I had been brutally honest with someone in over a dozen years.

Gary and I stepped out into the fresh air of the courtyard that was immediately overtaken by the stench of cigarettes. Looking around I realized that a healthy majority of individuals sat, talked and smoked at various tables and seating areas spread throughout the courtyard.

Gary walked me around, introducing me to individuals who were in our group. The greetings were cordial, overall, and I settled into a seat to observe the scene before the next group session began.

Aaron emerged from the doors across the courtyard. As he walked across the space, I noticed a playful and caring mannerism as he engaged with every single patient in the courtyard walking in my direction.

He took a pass from someone at the basketball hoop and threw up a shot, jawing court approved insults and jests the way of the patient, a tall, tatted up man he called Red.

He stopped and chatted with a group of women a generation older than I and something he said made the table burst into laughter. Finally, he approached me.

“Hey Kyle, your roommate is out of the space now with the nursing team, we can go get your stuff moved in.”

I rose quickly, happy to be invited along by the most familiar face that I had in these walls right now, and someone who was clearly held in high regard by the other patients. We walked back to my room, a space that we had skipped in the initial tour of the facility because my roommate was coming down in a big way from his latest bender on alcohol and meth.

“Your roommate got in late last night. You two will be bunked up together for almost your entire time here.” Aaron stated.

I have to share a space with a meth head for twenty-eight nights?

I felt an incredible amount of fear and judgment fall over me as Aaron opened up the door to the room.

“These spaces aren’t much, just the basics. We don’t expect you to spend a lot of time in here.”

I took in the room, noting the two tiny beds, placed a mere five feet from each other, an open dresser to stash my clothes and a bathroom that looked as if it belonged in a Motel 6 in Aberdeen, South Dakota.

“Here’s your bag that you brought in. Get unpacked and settled in, the afternoon group session starts in forty-five minutes if you want to join.”

It took me all but a minute to unpack my things and I decided to take a quick shower to try to clear my head and take a moment to myself before the start of the afternoon sessions.

The shower cleared my mind from a bit of the fog that was setting in from the meds, and walking out of the bathroom to change I caught a movement in the room with me that reminded me of the second promise that I had made to myself. I stopped in the doorway and turned back to face the mirror above the sink.

This is so stupid.

I wiped the small layer of condensation from the mirror’s surface so that I could see myself in its reflection.

I found myself staring at the sink faucet after clearing the mirror and oddly having to will myself to look up. In doing so I stared right into a set of eyes that I felt that I didn’t recognize. It was uncomfortable, I didn’t like it but I made myself continue to make eye contact with myself.

I realized that in the past two and a half years the only time I actually looked at my own eyes in the mirror was when I was filled with rage. I would make eye contact with myself as I was going through my detox symptoms, usually having upset Alyssa in some way and I would yell profanities at myself, lashing out verbally and then most often striking myself physically.

All of this was done in a desperate attempt to beat this senseless behavior from me and to rise above the numbness that I was beginning to feel in life.

But this time in the bathroom of rehab was different. I looked into the eyes of someone who was beaten down, tired and scared and I felt no desire to lash out at them. My eyes were bloodshot, and had a yellow tinge to them that I knew indicated my body was fighting the effects of the alcohol I had been throwing at it for over a decade.

I felt pity and sadness looking into my own eyes. I did not know if those eyes would ever shine bright again as I sat there leaned over the sink facing the mirror.

There’s no way this actually works.

But a promise is a promise. So I took a breath, stared right into the eyes in the mirror and said,

“I love you.”

The words caught up in my throat and sounded unconvincing and weak exiting my mouth. Nothing happened nor changed at that moment. I held my gaze for a few more seconds and then stepped from the bathroom.

Weird.

I changed into my clothes, grabbed the binder of material that they had given me at check in and readied myself for my first group session. I stepped into the bathroom one last time to steady the small amount of nerves that I was feeling inside.

I caught my reflection in the mirror as soon as I entered the bathroom.

Now I have to do this again!

I noticed the tiniest smile flash across my face as I thought about that gut reaction to realizing I had to do this practice again. I leaned forward on the sink and stared back at myself, making sure my eyes were locked on the eyes in the mirror.

“I love you.”

This time the words didn’t catch up in my throat as much.

—

The first three days during rehab were a blur. The shock coupled with the side effects of the anti-seizure meds that they had all alcoholics on during the detox period distorted reality and time in a manner that I had never experienced before. I was conscious and felt like I was in control of my actions, but at the same time I had moments where I realized I felt more like an outside observer to the scene than I was in control.

I continued following up on the two promises that I had made to myself during intake. I was there for every group session from the first afternoon and I continued my still uncomfortable practice of speaking the words “I love you” to myself every time that I encountered a mirror.

I still had the new guy relationship with those in my group, but as my third day came to a close, I was actively participating in the conversations during our group session and I was starting to establish a few relationships with others as we sat out in the courtyard during breaks between sessions.

The closest bond that formed in the early days was with a man named Jeramie who had checked in the evening prior to me. Jeramie was in the other group, so we would get together during breaks and chat about our early experience, how we were feeling on the detox meds. We began getting into sharing our personal stories of what brought us here.

Connecting with Jeramie gave me another example that there were people out there that exhibited the same traits and behaviors that had made me feel completely alone and crazy during my time fighting in an isolated battle with alcoholism.

As Jeramie and I sat chatting one afternoon in the courtyard, Rich, the head nurse, came sauntering through reminding folks to go to the nursing station to get their afternoon course of medication if they had any to take. He spotted Jeramie and I and walked our way.

“You fellas are graduating” Rich said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small set of scissors.

“Give me your hand, and let me take these from you. There’s no more detox pills, so you both should be set with your morning round of antidepressant and multivitamin.”

With a quick pass of the scissors he removed the large, yellow detox bands from our wrists.

Jeramie and I looked up at each other in excited amazement and without saying a word both excused ourselves as we separately headed to one of the two phones located in the men’s corridor of the facility to call our wives for the first time since checking in. I was anxious as I held the phone to my ear and heard the ringing of the line, waiting for Alyssa to pick up.

“Hey you!” exclaimed the sweetest interruption to the ringtone that I had ever heard in my life. “I have been thinking about you all day and wondering if today was the day you could call.”

My heart exploded with love and joy at the sound of Alyssa’s voice. We did not have much time to talk, given the strict 15 minute limit on outbound phone calls during the hours that they were permitted, so I hurriedly told her about my first few days. The group sessions, the weirdness of detox and the first few friendships that had started forming in rehab.

With our time rapidly coming to a close for the day, Alyssa asked, “Well what are you going to be doing the rest of the day?”

“I’m not entirely sure, but right now I’m about to go move and try to break a sweat. The gym space has been off limits to me during detox.”

We said our goodbyes and I headed straight to my room, almost as eager to move my body as I had been to talk to my wife. Three days of living like a zombie on anti-seizure medication had me itching to move.

I swapped out my clothes, quickly relieved myself and stopped myself at the mirror once again.

Looking into my eyes, with a new lightness in my heart after talking to Alyssa and excitement brewing at the idea of getting into the workout space, I maintained the promise I had made to myself.

“I love you.”

I was unexpectedly sideswiped. Something felt completely different this time.

I actually meant that.

I paused a moment longer, looking into my eyes and noticing something else. The whites of my eyes seemed less bloodshot, and there was a difficult to describe glimmer that seemed to exist in them that hadn’t existed before.

I flashed a brief smile to myself in recognition of this moment and exited my room, heading for the cramped gym space for the first time since coming to rehab. Entering the gym, it took all of a millisecond to take in the space. A treadmill, a stationary bike and a rowing machine with enough open floor space for me to lay my large frame out for push ups or other similar movements.

Having a fundamental disdain for treadmills and exercise bikes, I seated myself on the rower, sensing that I was about to become very familiar with this machine. Strapping my feet in the footholds, and taking the row bar in my hands, I coiled my body, looked down at the display that read 0 for distance. I took a pause, then a big breath in and I strained as I extended my body and pulled back against the machine.

It’s embarrassing to admit this lesson took me so long in life to understand and to put into practice. But that is how life goes living in active recovery. Critical lessons are discovered seemingly late in life.

Yet, nothing is ever truly late.

Part of this journey that I am on is rediscovering what it means to be human.

This week’s podcast episode talks about something I’ve come to learn the hard way: forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.

Especially in the world of addiction recovery.

Why This Topic Matters

Whether you're someone working to set your life on the path of recovery, or you're walking alongside a loved one who is, you’ve probably asked these questions:

• Can I ever forgive them?

• Can I ever trust them again?

• Should I forgive myself?

• How long does trust take to rebuild?

These aren’t easy questions. And if you're in recovery like me, you know they aren’t hypothetical. They’re lived, painful, daily realities.

The Roots of Resentment

When I sat down to do Steps 4 and 5, the personal inventory and the confession, what surfaced was a 15-year resentment I’d been carrying deep within me. It wasn’t just about one person. It was a resentment against the world. And it nearly destroyed me.

It took over a decade and a half to genuinely forgive that person. But recently, I found myself facing another painful situation. This time, it took only nine months to get to forgiveness. That’s progress. It doesn’t mean it was easy, but it shows healing and progression are possible and measurable.

Three Kinds of Forgiveness in Recovery

I’ve come to recognize three powerful forms of forgiveness that play out in recovery:

1. Forgiveness from loved ones
   The people we've hurt, those closest to us, that traveled the treacherous road beside us often struggle most with extending forgiveness. They fear it means extending trust too quickly. And that fear is valid.

2. Forgiveness for others
   Many addicts, myself included, drink or use because we carry old wounds. Someone hurt us and we never let it go. We held onto that pain like a shield. But that purported armor instead turned out to be a cage.

3. Forgiveness of self (and God)
   This might be the most important. Many of us enter recovery believing we’re unlovable. That we’ve done too much damage. But Steps 4 and 5, and later 8 and 9, helped me realize:
   Forgiveness starts with me.
   If I can’t forgive myself, how can I show up for the rest of my life?

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Why Forgiveness Does Not Equal Trust

Here’s the part I misunderstood for far too long: forgiveness is a one-time decision (if done genuinely) and trust is a long-term investment.

Just because someone forgives me, or I forgive myself, that doesn’t mean trust is restored.

Trust is built through daily, intentional actions.
Maintaining Recovery. Living in Honesty. Being Accountable. Showing Up.

In early recovery, I didn’t even trust myself. I was afraid of how I’d react to life on life’s terms. And I had to work through that fear, one day at a time.

When You Don’t Get Forgiveness Right Away

One of the hardest lessons of Step 9 (the amends step) is this:

Not everyone will forgive you.
And that’s okay.

Sometimes, people need time. Sometimes, they never come around. But the act of apologizing, without expectation of outcome, is what heals you.

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If You’re a Loved One of an Addict…

Please know: you are not obligated to trust again immediately.
Forgive when you’re ready—but don’t confuse it with putting yourself back in harm’s way.

And if you are withholding forgiveness because you’re afraid it means giving up your boundaries, I encourage you to separate the two.
Forgiveness is release. Trust is earned.

Final Thoughts: Progress Over Perfection

Today, I’m on the cusp of celebrating two years in recovery. And there’s still trust I’m rebuilding. But I’m not focused on any finish line. I’m only focused on the next 24 hours.

I show up.
I maintain my practices1.
I strive to live honestly, aiming to maintain alignment between my words and my actions.
And little by little, the relationships that matter most… start to heal.

If this resonated with you, I’d be grateful if you shared it or left a comment. You never know who might need to hear it.

All the best,

Kyle

🔗 Listen to the Full Episode:

🎧 Spotify: Forgiveness and Trust – Ep 64
🍎 Apple: Chapter 3 Stigma on Apple Podcasts

That inability to answer ‘why?’ drives so many of us into further despair. It did for me.

I was obsessed with answering the question of why I drank the way I did and I was convinced that no healing could occur until I could figure an answer out.

By letting go of the obsession to answer why, you actually give yourself the grace and space for healing to occur.

I only discovered why I had become an alcoholic after I stopped feeling I needed to answer the question to heal.

I had to tell myself, ‘I don’t care how I got to this point, I can accept that I am an alcoholic, and I am willing to do anything moving forward to heal from that.’

Learning to let go has been one of the most rewarding and difficult challenges since entering into a life of recovery.

That’s all I have got for this week.

Love to you all,

Kyle

Never could I have imagined this turning into what it has become. The concept of this project came to me as I sat in a sauna at the local YMCA in Minnesota in the weeks after losing Lucy. I used this time to cut out distractions, to be alone, to sit, to stare and to think. There was so much to process in the weeks after losing Lucy, that Alyssa and I each took time apart during the day to be with ourselves as we navigated and tried to discover what our “new normal” would be as a family.

On this particular day, I was thinking about what Lucy’s life could mean for my journey in recovery. I was wondering why my resolve hadn’t wavered. I was genuinely sitting in amazement that through it all I had felt no rage and no feelings of abandonment from God. I still trusted and had faith in His plan, as difficult as our role was at that time.

And then, I thought back to a question that Dustin asked me on the MTNTOUGH podcast, “What would you say to those struggling out there with alcoholism?” I sat that day and thought about that question further, and had a revelation. I want them to know that they are not alone.

It was with that vision in mind that I started Chapter 3 Stigma. It was not to share war stories nor was it to show how flowery and amazing my life has been since entering recovery. It was created with the aim to show the gross, gritty details of my thought patterns and my own struggles. I built this with the vision of sharing how much work is required for living a life in recovery, but how incredibly worth it that work is and how enriched your life can become from it.

So a year has past, and I have largely put my head down to create, communicate lessons, and detail the insanity and the suffering that I had built up in twelve years of struggling through my battle with alcoholism. I have had moments during this past year that have stopped me in my tracks as people have reached out and I get to read, or hear, first hand from them how this body of work is helping.

To recognize the one year mark of this work, I’d like to recognize YOU, the reader. The amount of gratitude that I feel that each of you permits me to place my untethered, and often discombobulated, thoughts in your inbox each Friday morning is not a privilege I take lightly. So thank you for listening, for sharing the work and most powerfully for reaching out.

To celebrate the one year, I have an ask for you all. Engage - let me know what has been helpful, what you want to hear more of (or less of), or send me questions that you still have that you feel might not have been addressed.

The 12th Step of the Alcoholics Anonymous step work is entirely about creating a life of maximal service to others. It is my vision for this body of work to be a part of my own 12th step. Respond to this email or drop a comment on this post.

I am humbled every chance I get to share this perspective and these learnings with you, and I love you all for the support and engagement during this first year.

That’s all I’ve got.

Kyle

As the first episode began to play, my wife made a comment that made me think that there’s some shade being thrown around about this series in some part of the sub-culture in which I pay no attention to. It set me up with skepticism about the series and wondering what I was about to spend the next three hours of my life witnessing.

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But here’s the thing that shocked me. As they detailed that balance and distinction that Rodgers was trying to draw between his personal and professional life, he talks like someone living in recovery. I was floored. I watched as he detailed his own quest for understanding and knowledge becoming unlocked as he journeyed through deeply spiritual experiences.

What most people won’t get to connect with is that as he sat conducting interviews for the series after emerging from those retreat experiences, he would have fit right into an AA meeting anywhere in the world. Specifically, he kept talking about the “work” each ceremony demanded. And the insight and freedom that the work was providing. The way he talked about it struck me and got me thinking through the realm of the unknown that exists with in our bodies when going through a transformational journey.

You see, I have a weird, but explainable, past time. I read articles and studies pertaining to the advancing understanding of the mechanisms of addiction. It’s a continuation of a pursuit that I had when I was slowly (and then shockingly not so slowly at the end) destroying and killing myself with alcohol. I was obsessed at finding my solution to controlling my drinking in the depths of some research that would finally explain to me ‘why’ and unlock the ‘how’ of sorting out my life.

After years of reading repeatedly about the impacts on neurotransmitters (GABA, Dopamine, Glutamine, Serotonin, Endorphins of many types, Adenosine and so may others) and their response to alcohol entering the system and how they act in leading to addiction, I was in the same spot that I started. Struggling. And wondering why this new found knowledge wasn’t helping me.

Then I dove into the regions of the brain (Frontal Lobe, Cerebellum, Hippocampus, Hypothalamus, Limbic System, Basal Forebrain) impacted by alcoholism and changes that come about from falling into addictive behavior patterns. I was entering into a hellish cycle of vaguely understanding the chronic damage that I was doing to my systems with no real discovery, or instructions, on how to reverse this process.

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Study after study clearly explains the mechanisms behind the creation and formation of addictive behavior. But absolutely nothing within that self-directed knowledge seeking phase was helping me escape the pull and grip that alcohol had on my life.

Then, I made a decision that saved my life. I relented. I was honest with myself and admitted that what I was doing was not working. I went to rehab, my own retreat of sorts. I stopped obsessing over the ‘why’ and attempting to figure out the ‘how’ on my own. I started doing work, being guided by others who had journeyed that path successfully before me. I worked to become honest, open-minded and willing to do anything to set my life on a path of recovery.

Being honest, open-minded and willing led me to my moment of spiritual transformation. Major shifts in perspective happened on two occasions, both times occurring with a flash followed by a slow burn over the course of a few hours and days as the experience settled deep into my soul. Their impacts have been lasting.

As much as I heard words come from Rodgers that reminded me of my own recovery journey and experience, it was something I saw that gave me the greatest, ‘oh shit’ moment in the series. There was a close up shot of Rodgers from the side. He’s not looking directly at the camera, but the angle is not so extreme that you cannot take in his eyes and facial profile.

At an initial glance, he looks weathered and tired. Yet, I saw something. I saw something that existed in the story and transformation of my own face. I saw something that I get to experience every time a newcomer enters into our AA room and commits their life to working the steps and starts seeing the fruits of their labor.

It shows in the eyes first. It then cascades to a manner in which someone holds themself, and it radiates to the rest of their face. Those who have seen it know it. It’s a calm, comforted energy. It’s an understanding and that comes from a real experience and connection with a Higher Power. It’s knowing you’re not alone, that you’re loved and that there is nothing more meaningful and impactful that you can do but work on yourself so that you can be of the greatest service to that Higher Power.

It’s clearly my hope and vision with this work to de-stigmitize the healing journey that is required to overcome something that seems impossible to those inflicted, such as alcoholism. I have become convinced that our society has lost incredible amounts of knowledge about healing, from grief, past experiences, behaviors and chemical dependencies.

The scientific method has yet to dismantle and explain the mechanisms behind the near instantaneous reversal of a problem as severe as alcoholism once that individual has a spiritual revelation. I think as a culture we’re slowly pulling the curtain back on the idea that this method of scientific exploration that we have created is a phenomenal toolset in some instance, and not so great in others.

Honestly, I feel more connected with someone like Rodgers who talks openly about being guided by a feminine energy, because I could talk with him about how the experience that I had was being guided by a masculine energy. A man with a white beard in robes? No, but certainly masculine. And the power of that experience was real and lasting. But how do we measure it and categorize it? You got me there.

At the end of the day, I commend Rodgers for putting this series out there. It is another piece of work that allows previously fringe and taboo healing modalities to start entering into our societal consciousness and conversations. I am not saying that science will never explain the mechanisms of reversing addiction. It just hasn’t done it yet. And that’s ok. It’s probably the wrong tool for the job, anyway.

We need more instances like this, where someone is brave enough to stand up and say, ‘this is the struggle I was having, here is how I relented and was guided, and here is what I have learned’. WedMD won’t provide that type of powerful story arch for those curled in their basement wondering why their life is spiraling out of control.

That’s all I’ve got. All my love,

Kyle

In rehab we were warned that as we came off of our substances of choice our dreams could shift quite dramatically. “Using” dreams are quite common, where an individual experiences the sensations of going back to their drug of choice in an intensely visceral way.

Early mornings in rehab were quite often supplemented with the retelling of someone’s using dream from the night before, and the dream was recounted in depth. Vapors were inhaled that filled and burned lungs, needles were felt plunging into skin and the burn of alcohol in the throat was realized. Lucky for us, every single time an individual encountered a using dream in rehab it was just that, a dream. Additionally, they had individuals to talk about to calm their nerves after the harrowing experience.

I have found that I dream less after entering active recovery than before. In my time in recovery I have never had a literal using dream, where I experienced the action of consuming alcohol once again. However, I have certainly had nightmares, though few and far between. My nightmares always have had the exact same theme - that I am back in my lie and I am desperately panicked trying to escape from the lie.

Feel free to psycho-analyze this in any manner in which you please. The moments after I woke up from my latest nightmare I sat down and wrote so I didn’t forget those small, and somewhat unusual details. Like the fact that my sponsor did not even bother to remove the beer he was drinking from the plastic rings holding them together.

While I was upset witnessing him drink in my dream, turtles everywhere were shuttering at the idea of another neck ring that would be out in the wild for them soon. Or maybe not, seeing as he failed to detach any of the beers from the plastic ring so no innocent turtle could slip it’s neck through there, thinking it was a necklace.

Anyway, rambling over, here’s the dream, largely unedited, jotted down moments after waking. It’s always a powerful reminder to me that the worst part of the 12 year battle with alcoholism wasn’t the substance itself, but who it turned me into.

I was sitting in a structure that seemed to resemble a church with its pews and high ceilings. But it wasn’t a church. It seemed more like some sort of recovery meeting was going on, but it wasn’t AA. There had to be well over 200 people filling the space seated in the pews. All were attentive and looking forward.

I looked to my right across the aisle and saw my AA sponsor sitting and lifting a drink up to his mouth. I couldn’t tell what type of drink it was but I noted something. He had tremors as he poured the final drops from the can into his mouth. The tremors made me feel sick. Was he ok?

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I swung my attention to whatever was occurring in front of me but suddenly, I was looking back towards my sponsor. Now it was with certainty that he was drinking. He had a four pack of Surly beer tall boys in his hands and he wasn’t even hiding the fact that he was drinking them. He wasn’t even removing them from the device that held them together, so every time he took a drink he lifted all four cans up.

What was he doing? My heart sank into my stomach as I watched someone I had so much admiration and love for drink once again. My mind raced with fearful thoughts about what the act meant for him and for me. They’re going to kick him out of this space, I won’t be able to see or talk to him again and I’m going to have to get a new sponsor.

Then there was time and space travel. Completely unsure of what happened or where I was, I took in my newest situation.

We were at my sister and brother-in-laws house, but it wasn’t their house. There was a big, grand open space that was only occupied by a refrigerator that was straight from the 1970’s. But I knew a secret about that refrigerator. I had alcohol hidden in there that nobody knew about.

Suddenly, the space came alive with my family, moving about the room. I was suddenly filled with the crippling anxiety of having a secret that I did not want others to know about. I became obsessed with keeping them away from the refrigerator, scared to death that someone would open it and find my alcohol stashed away. And then I would be exposed.

I had to get them out of the space so that I could dispose of my evidence, the proof that I was, once again, caught in a cycle of lying and manipulation. Suddenly finding the space empty of people with no real explanation as to why, I began plotting my plan to dispose of the evidence and cover everything up.

The anxiety rose. With an empty house and the full ability to dispose of any evidence, I took no action. I delayed and distracted myself from the refrigerator and the contents that lied within. The contents that I hadn’t seen with my own eyes, but I had been granted the knowledge of that they existed in there.

I continued doing nothing. Suddenly, my family filled the space once again and my window of time to dispose of the evidence without anyone else knowing had disappeared. I began sinking back, horrified to find myself here and continuing to feel my anxiety rise further and further.

The sinking feeling in my gut that I was once again back to living a life of lies settled in, and then I woke up.

It’s quite uncommon for me to have these types of dreams. Yet every once in a while I go through the terror of finding myself living in that dark world of lies and manipulation that I never want to return. If you have ever wondered why I so freely and openly share about the struggles and thoughts that go through my head, my primary motivation is to never find myself in that state of lying and deceitfulness ever again. It was the worst kind of hell that I could ever imagine, and the fear and anxiety that gripped me was all consuming.

I can be grateful that’s not the reality anymore. But I also view this as a reminder to myself that chaos and destruction still lives within me, as it does all of us. For today, I recognize that potential for destruction that is still with me, yet I aim my actions upward as best as I can. I believe that’s the greatest action that every single one of us can do each day.

That’s all I’ve got.

Kyle

I set up the cadence and content of the newsletter based on no data or past experience. I focused the Tuesday posts on quicker hit items and then poured more time and effort into the long(er) form Friday posts. Moving forward, I am going to cease the Tuesday post, as I think it’s primary purpose was to make the podcast episodes available, but there are alternatives to achieving this.

I would encourage everyone to subscribe to the podcast on their listening platform of choice. Click on the links below and hit:

• “Follow” on Spotify,

• “+ Follow” in the upper right on Apple Podcasts

• “Subscribe” to the YouTube channel

By subscribing and rating (please drop in a rating or comment on the podcast if you haven’t already) the podcast across the various channels, you are helping elevate the work and bring it forward to others in need that are on these platforms.

I don’t need to justify my decision to you, but I will. I’m taking back the small amount of time that the Tuesday post takes up so that I can focus my efforts on the Friday post and the podcast. Plus, I feel better about minimizing my digital footprint within your email inbox, something that does genuinely and oddly nag at me.

I feel that my Forrest Gump run is still ongoing with this work, but I have felt the desire for this change for a few weeks, and so I’m just going to go for it. I try to limit repeating topics between the newsletter and podcast, but maybe they will have a tighter synergy going forward. Who knows, I’m making all this sh*t up as I go!

Appreciate you all for tagging alone.

All the best,

Kyle

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Podcast Releases

Find the podcast on your streaming platform of choice: YouTube, Apple Podcast, Spotify. If you’ve been enjoying the podcast, please leave a rating and review! It helps the podcast reach new audiences who may be struggling.

One of the most powerful and real conversations that I have ever had. I am joined by Eric McCormack and Ben Koehler who have both been on their own healing journey after going through intense periods of suffering and loss in their own life.

I brought Alyssa back onto the podcast to talk specifically about our relationship and how we managed the changes that occurred from entering into recovery. Every single relationship in your life will be impacted when you enter into recovery. Being deliberate about our healing has been one of the greatest decisions that we have made.

That’s all I’ve got! All the best,

Kyle Zibrowski

If you have found this content helpful, please share the channels and newsletter with others and drop a rating or comment on your channel of choice. These help others get exposed to the content who might be struggling themselves not knowing where to turn.

Spotify (must be on mobile app to rate or comment)

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Podcast Releases

Find the podcast on your streaming platform of choice: YouTube, Apple Podcast, Spotify. If you’ve been enjoying the podcast, please leave a rating and review! It helps the podcast reach new audiences who may be struggling.

People know of the 12 steps, but how do you actually get started? This episode delivers an overview of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and details how to get started. When it comes down to it, anyone suffering has to answer this question - is your life unmanageable? With an honest assessment and answer to that question, healing and finding a solution is readily available to anyone.

One of the most powerful and real conversations that I have ever had. I am joined by Eric McCormack and Ben Koehler who have both been on their own healing journey after going through intense periods of suffering and loss in their own life.

Interesting Articles & Reads

What Are the Healing Benefits of Art Therapy?

I scoffed at the idea of participating in art therapy while in rehab. Yet, the activity opened up some of the most profound learnings and experiences for me. One session, I created a mask in which I had been living my life, showing an exterior of success yet inside having darkness and hatred. After creating it, I threw it away and that act was shockingly freeing for me.

An In-Depth Look at Steps 1-3

A supplemental article to last week’s podcast on step work and the first three steps in particular. They require Honesty, Open-Mindedness and Willingness.

That’s all I’ve got! All the best,

Kyle Zibrowski

If you have found this content helpful, please share the channels and newsletter with others and drop a rating or comment on your channel of choice. These help others get exposed to the content who might be struggling themselves not knowing where to turn.

Spotify (must be on mobile app to rate or comment)

Apple Podcasts

If you are new here, welcome, you are not alone!

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Podcast Releases

Find the podcast on your streaming platform of choice: YouTube, Apple Podcast, Spotify. If you’ve been enjoying the podcast, please leave a rating and review! It helps the podcast reach new audiences who may be struggling.

I never had the courage to step into an AA meeting prior to entering into rehab. The unknowns associated with the organization and what to expect was one major excuse that I clung to as I battled alcoholism on my own for years. In this podcast episode I detail what a typical meeting flow looks like, so that individuals can clear any fear they may be clinging to for what to expect out of this experience. If you have interest in finding a meeting space near you, download the Meeting Guide app on any device.

People know of the 12 steps, but how do you actually get started? This episode delivers an overview of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and details how to get started. When it comes down to it, anyone suffering has to answer this question - is your life unmanageable? With an honest assessment and answer to that question, healing and finding a solution is readily available to anyone.

Interesting Articles & Reads

Sneaky Relapse Triggers You Never Saw Coming

This may sound shocking, but I would venture to guess there’s a noticeable uptick in rehab intakes across the country after Halloween this past week. Any holiday or celebratory event will generally cause people to let their guard down and find themselves drinking, or using their drug of choice, once again.

Utilizing Effective CBT Techniques

To counter the risk of relapse, fall back on some of the key practices and principles of important therapy techniques such as CBT and DBT.

That’s all I’ve got! All the best,

Kyle Zibrowski

One of those people is a stranger who drove their vehicle through our alleyway one morning around 8 am as I was in my office space working. Each morning I keep the shades open until the sun light becomes too intense through my east facing windows. I was on a call when I glanced down from my second level overview of our alley and noticed a strange vehicle making their way in from the street. Our block’s not physically big, and we have quality relationships with all our neighbors, so I knew this to be a stranger and so I paid attention.

As they drove through the alley, I noted they were positioning themselves tight against the side that contained our garbage and recycling bins. I stopped listening to the phone call that was happening with work to pay attention to the scene that was about to unfold because I knew exactly what was going to happen next.

This stranger pulled up next to our recycling bin, rolled the window down and deposited something in the can before taking off quickly and leaving the alley. My gut sank momentarily knowing what just happened and feeling intense flashbacks to my own behavior during my isolated struggles with alcoholism.

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I knew instantly that individual had deposited their empties from a drinking spree that they did not want a loved one to know about. I know because I did it too. I would stash my empties in a hiding spot in the basement, and then usually during a detox period, find some time to package them all up and distribute them to various trash locations around the neighborhood, so I didn’t run the risk of being caught by putting them into our own receptacles.

It is an insanity and a behavior that I shared with this unidentified stranger who for whatever reason chose our alley on that morning.

The second person that I have never met yet feel a tight kinship with is a woman who started her battle with alcoholism during the roaring 20’s. One of the personal stories in the back of the AA book is her journey to recovery, and her description of her life and struggles could have easily been written for me nearly 100 years before my own battle began to rage.

A little more than fifteen years ago, through a long and calamitous series of shattering experiences, I found myself being helplessly propelled toward total destruction. I was without power to change the course my life had taken. How I had arrived at this tragic impasse I could not have explained to anyone. I was thirty-three years old and my life was spent. I was caught in a cycle of alcohol and sedation that was proving inescapable and consciousness had become intolerable.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 268

Um… check.

Nor could I blame my dilemma on my childhood environment. I couldn’t have chosen more loving and conscientious parents. I was given every advantage in a well-ordered home. I had the best schools, summer camps, resort vacations and travel. Every reasonable desire was possible of attainment for me. I was strong and healthy and quite athletic.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 269

Right again, outside of the athletic portion.

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At twenty-five I had developed an alcoholic problem. I began making the rounds of the doctors in the hope that one of them might find some cure for my accumulating ailments, preferably something that could be removed surgically.

Of course the doctors found nothing. Just an unstable woman, undisciplined, poorly adjusted and filled with nameless fears. Most of them prescribed sedatives and advised rest and moderation.

Between the ages of twenty-five and thirty I tried everything. I moved a thousand miles away from home to Chicago and a new environment. I studied art; I desperately endeavored to create an interest in many things, in a new place among new people. Nothing worked. My drinking habits increased in spite of my struggle for control. I tried the beer diet, the wine diet, timing, measuring, and spacing of drinks. I tried them mixed, unmixed, drinking only when gay, only when depressed. And still by the time I was thirty years old I was being pushed around with a compulsion to drink that was completely beyond my control. I couldn’t stop drinking. I would hang on to sobriety for short intervals, but always there would come the tide of an overpowering necessity to drink and, as I was engulfed in it, I felt such a sense of panic that I really believed I would die if I didn’t get that drink inside.

Needless to say, this was not pleasurable drinking. I had long since given up any pretense of the “social” cocktail hour. This was drinking in sheer desperation, alone and locked behind my own door. Alone in the relative safety of my home because I knew I dare not risk the danger of blacking out in some public place or at the wheel of a car. I could no longer gage my capacity and it might be the second or the tenth drink that would erase my consciousness.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 269-270

And with that I realized, I am a woman of the 1920’s flapper type. I am the stranger driving the alleyway in search of a private place to get rid of your shameful behavior. I am anyone and everyone who is battling alcoholism alone and in despair.

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After my workday completed, I went down to look in the recycling bin to confirm my suspicion. I opened the lid and was hit with a sight that I was not completely prepared for. Not only was I correct about this persons action, but they had deposited the EXACT same drink that was my specific drink of choice at the end of my battle.

I shut the lid and said a quick prayer for this individual, hoping that they might find recovery and serenity as I had.

That’s all I’ve got,

Kyle

If you have found this content helpful, please share the channels and newsletter with others and drop a rating or comment on your channel of choice. These help others get exposed to the content who might be struggling themselves not knowing where to turn.

Spotify (must be on mobile app to rate or comment)

Apple Podcasts

If you are new here, welcome, you are not alone!

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Podcast Releases

Find the podcast on your streaming platform of choice: YouTube, Apple Podcast, Spotify. If you’ve been enjoying the podcast, please leave a rating and review! It helps the podcast reach new audiences who may be struggling.

The final episode on the rehab deep dive is about the discharge planning process. The mantra, a failure to plan is a plan to fail, rings strongly in the recovery space. I knew that leaving rehab that I had just been permitted the opportunity to reset my life, but that did not mean I had found the solution to my alcoholism. Putting together this plan allowed me to detail my recovery goals and boundaries that allowed me to discover the solution to my alcoholism in the months after leaving rehab.

I never had the courage to step into an AA meeting prior to entering into rehab. The unknowns associated with the organization and what to expect was one major excuse that I clung to as I battled alcoholism on my own for years. In this podcast episode I detail what a typical meeting flow looks like, so that individuals can clear any fear they may be clinging to for what to expect out of this experience. If you have interest in finding a meeting space near you, download the Meeting Guide app on any device.

Interesting Articles & Reads

What to Say to Someone Who Just Got Out of Rehab

Depending on the type of relationship that you have with the person, your approach may vary. Baseline advice, but only extend this if you genuinely mean it, offer yourself to be there to listen to the person. Through our loss of Lucy as well as the aftermath of rehab, many times all that was needed was a willing ear to just listen.

Boundaries with a Loved One Suffering from Addiction

Another important concept if you have a loved one suffering. Setting and maintaining your own boundaries. In addition, respecting and adhering to the boundaries set up by your loved one. With any relationships dealing with addiction, I am adamant that the best perspective to take is to assume that every single relationship that engages with an addict will be altered and different in some manner. You can work from there.

That’s all I’ve got! All the best,

Kyle Zibrowski

These omissions from the AA program are items that I have experienced have had profound effects on my recovery journey (not personally with the last one, but we’ll get to why I included it). As I begin to engage with other struggling alcoholics, these first two items are ones that I speak to from experience with purpose because I know that they are missing from the AA literature and feel their imperative for living the most meaningful life in recovery.

Little mention of the importance of nutrition, movement and breaking a sweat

AA literature and discussion very seldomly center around the benefits of filling your body with the right nutrition or of breaking a sweat, ideally while moving your body through space. The evidence is overwhelming at this point, and while “experts” may argue over petty details, the general concept seems pretty clear. Fueling your body with healthy, clean substances as well as moving and breaking a sweat have physical, emotional and sometimes spiritual benefits that have significantly lasting effects.

As soon as I had the bright yellow band cut off my wrist in rehab signaling that I had completed my detox period I did two things. First, I called my wife to talk to her for the first time in three days. And then as soon as I hung up the phone, I went to the small gym they had in the building and put my ass in the rowing machine and just started moving.

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Movement is something that makes us all human. We were born to move our body’s through three dimensional space. Addiction cripples that ability as all addicts start allowing their body to waste away. I knew that establishing a routine where I was focused on just moving my body through space was going to be imperative to my recovery journey. In fact, it’s so critical it developed into the first of five practices of recovery that I use as a model to guide myself and others on this journey.

I threw out the use of “exercise” and “workout” from my vocabulary. I realized in rehab that I needed to connect with the more fundamental aspect of being human and to me that meant movement. Yes, I complete what one could call form workouts and exercises today as a part of my daily routine, but I view them through the lens of moving my body through space, not of checking a box on a certain routine.

In AA literature there is no mention of physical activity and its healing potential for the body, mind and soul. This is a missed opportunity that can likely be traced to the fact that the majority of the literature and programming was put in place during the 1930s, a time when movement was more of a part of the daily routine.

Additionally, the talk of nutrition and fuel for your body is slim in the program. There is mention of the idea that your cravings for chocolate and other sweets will go up dramatically after you have walked away from alcohol. This is true. Your body is going to be searching for the sugars that you used to provide it through alcohol, and so it is incredibly common for alcoholics, especially early in their recovery journey, to smash an unholy amount of sweets.

Yet, there is no mention of the benefits that one receives once they do settle their sweet tooth in normalizing their intake on a well-balanced diet and all the benefits that come along with nutritional consistency. I found that many of my worst emotional and physical states that I have found myself in while in recovery can be traced back to going over the top on food that gave me nothing nutritionally, but served a purpose only in the short term.

As I have started engaging with those that are new to the program or looking for a way to solve their issue with addiction, on top of AA I always encourage them to be conscious of what they are eating and strive to move their body and break a sweat.

Downplaying the importance of healthy selfishness

From page 87 of the Alcoholic’s Anonymous book (emphasis mine):

We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work.

Lucy taught Alyssa and I how to pray in a very powerful and meaningful way. Every single time that we pulled into the parking lot of the hospital we would pause for a moment and hold each other’s hand. And then our prayer went as follows:

“God, we selfishly hope to hear our little girl’s heart beat today. But we understand that might not be a part of your plan. Please grant us the strength to accept whatever the plan may be.”

As an alcoholic, I am an especially selfish individual. I knew that I was not going to rid myself of these selfish tendencies in a single moment, but expected the process to be much more gradual (which it has turned out to be).

Therefore, I decided that I would take advantage of that selfishness and so I focused my selfish tendencies towards practices, activities and thought patterns that maintain me on the road of active recovery. I found this practice and perspective entirely rewarding and supportive of my recovery journey.

I selfishly created and kept to the boundaries that I set in various aspects of my life from relationships, to recovery practices to work. Having a healthy degree of selfishness, especially early on in your recovery journey, allows you to focus on maintaining your own journey while also granting you some grace if you don’t feel abundantly loving and giving on any particular day in your life.

I hear old timers, with decades of time in recovery, express that their selfishness is still present in their lives. My pushback with the AA programming is the seemingly unrelenting perspective that all selfishness should be done away with and never pursued once you have found the solution.

Based on my experience, I just don’t see that as the case. Take the entire Chapter 3 Stigma body of work and an additional unannounced project that I have in the works right now. No offense to you, the follower and reader, but my primary reason for doing this work is for myself. This work helps me sort my thoughts out and ensure that I am setting myself up to “trudge the road of happy destiny” for life, however long that may be.

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But then, after creating and producing work that does have a selfish bend to it, I get contacted by one of you. And then there’s a flash of a realization that I am serving others, and the meaning and motivation behind the work picks up in an extraordinary manner.

No mention of founder’s push for psychedelic assistance

I have started, and then deleted, numerous openings to this section. I’m finding that I’m attempting to explain in some eloquent manner the symbiosis that exists between us humans and the plants and animals of the natural world that has largely been severed over the past few centuries of modern living. I’m getting too cute with it and over my skis in terms of my writing ability, so I’ll just be blunt.

There is mounting evidence that points towards the healing powers of psychedelic experiences, whether through natural or synthetic forms, when they are coupled with ceremonial or integrated therapy activities. One of the co-founders of AA believed whole heartedly in this concept, and actually died somewhat at odds with the AA organization due to their hesitation to incorporate psychedelic induced mystical experiences into their programming.

They could hardly be blamed, as the outfall of the LSD craze in the late 60’s came down extremely hard on any individual or organization who stuck their heads up on the topic. Yet Bill W was convinced that psychedelic experiences were part of the solution and to this day, no evidence or topics of discussion exist on this topic within AA literature.

I can probably expand on my story in another post here, but simply put by the end of my battle with alcoholism I was seeking a magic pill that could rid me of my struggles. I think recently psychedelics often get the label of panacea placed on them, and I would strongly caution anyone of thinking about the experience in such simplistic terms.

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The evidence is becoming strong that the experience, when coupled with targeted and focused integration therapy can serve great benefits, but it can never be expected to be a one time drop and your alcoholism is washed away. There’s a wonderful analogy that I have read about the topic below that explains why having some targeted integration therapy involved is so key to helping the experience stick.

If higher spiritual planes are a building, exploring your spirituality, meditating and learning is like taking the stairs. You get to explore every level and eventually gain natural access to them all. Taking psychedelics is like taking the elevator straight to the top, but once you get there you can only pop your head out and look around while you’re experiencing the effects of the substance. So while it can open doors, it’s probably not going to give you the fulfilling relationship with your spirituality that you’re looking for and may possibly make you want to keep chasing it through those drugs, hoping one day you might just be able to get off the elevator.

In the end, I did not need to ever take psychedelics to discover my spiritual connection. Yet, I think it is robbing thousands of individuals from the freedom of their healing journey by not allowing them to pursue this meaningful healing path. The co-founder of AA experienced this himself, yet the idea never is brought up in the AA programming.

That’s pretty much all the gripes that I have with the program. I have to recognize that it’s not my place to try to solve them, I just wanted to share with the reader some of the very minor shortcomings that I have seen in an otherwise miraculous program.

Seriously, there is no other programming that has saved so many lives as Alcoholic’s Anonymous and I feel lucky to have found the program and the group that have now become such a key part of my life and the maintenance of my recovery journey.

It literally has saved my life.

That’s all I’ve got,

Kyle

If you have found this content helpful, please share the channels and newsletter with others and drop a rating or comment on your channel of choice. These help others get exposed to the content who might be struggling themselves not knowing where to turn.

Spotify (must be on mobile app to rate or comment)

Apple Podcasts

If you are new here, welcome, you are not alone!

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Podcast Releases

Find the podcast on your streaming platform of choice: YouTube, Apple Podcast, Spotify. If you’ve been enjoying the podcast, please leave a rating and review! It helps the podcast reach new audiences who may be struggling.

In this episode, I share some of the more impactful exercises and learnings from group sessions during the intensive inpatient experience during my time in rehab.

The final episode on the rehab deep dive is about the discharge planning process. The mantra, a failure to plan is a plan to fail, rings strongly in the recovery space. I knew that leaving rehab that I had just been permitted the opportunity to reset my life, but that did not mean I had found the solution to my alcoholism. Putting together this plan allowed me to detail my recovery goals and boundaries that allowed me to discover the solution to my alcoholism in the months after leaving rehab.

Interesting Articles & Reads

Trauma and Addiction: Unraveling the Link

Trauma is one of the three key forces that can push an individual over the threshold to becoming an addict. Yet I struggled with this idea for some time as I looked out in the world and saw so many individuals that faced much more traumatic, with a capital “T”, events than I had in my life, yet they didn’t struggle? How could that be? This is a complicated and tangled topic, worthy of a standalone post, but this article is a good primer into the subject.

Signs That Your Loved One is Hiding an Addiction

Hot take - high functioning addict/alcoholic doesn’t exist. Just give it enough time, and things will begin to unravel for an addict who hides their addiction, or worse, their addiction will end their life. It’s a brutal statement, but based on my experience and time in recovery I believe it to be the truth.

That’s all I’ve got! All the best,

Kyle Zibrowski

I am going to detail my view of AA, the common critiques and its major downfalls in this two part post. To be blunt - Alcoholic’s Anonymous is unquestionably the most successful program of recovery that has helped the greatest amount of people to date. It is far from perfect, yet no program or pill has achieved the scale and success of AA, and this fact should not be downplayed. It is seriously successful in solving an incredibly difficult problem of the masses and at the individual level.

Yet, in saying that, I will also confide that AA probably isn’t for everyone and each addict has to find a program and put in the work. Nothing with addiction is solved with passivity.

I have personally witnessed individual’s ego and pride step in the way of their ability to recover from addiction because they do not want to put in the work or they don’t want to be associated with an organization such as AA. Even though their life literally depends on their ability to work and maintain a program, they let their ego lead them elsewhere.

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On that note, I am going to start with the most common attacks against AA and excuses that individuals cling to in order to avoid putting in the actual work.

It’s a cult

If AA is a cult, it’s the worst cult the world has ever seen. Having been a part of a boarderline cult in college (what up American college fraternity experience), I can say with certainty that AA doesn’t fit the definition of a cult.

The three primary characteristics of a cult are:

• Devotion to a set of beliefs and practices which are considered deviant outside of the norms of society

• Difficult, burdensome or disruptive for members to leave

• Typically run by a charming and charismatic leader (aka there’s only one generation to a cult in its lifecycle)

I genuinely think that I can dismantle each of these in a single hyperlink. Here is the less cited, but equally as important to the 12 steps, 12 Traditions of AA. This is the operating model of the organization and individual meetings, and within it you will find a clear counter to each of these points.

On the first characteristic of a cult, yes AA does espouse certain practices and beliefs. Yet, counter to a cult, those practices and beliefs have the intention of bringing deviant behavior back into the norm. In recovery, if you’re living a boring and routine life there is nothing more amazing about that fact! Boring and routine is healthy, normal, and a serious change of pace for anyone who has suffered from addiction and its consequences.

There were two things that really caught me by surprise when we moved to Idaho over five years ago. The density of natural hot springs out in the mountains and the prevalence of Mormons. In living here, I have met numerous individuals and created friendships with people that have left the LDS church. That is a painful process, most times associated with a complete loss of relationship with friends and a financial burden that follows these deserters for years.

Now I’m not calling the LDS church a cult, but here’s the thing - I voluntarily show up to my AA meetings. I throw in $20 at the start of each month to help with room rental and coffee. I don’t have to, but I do. I can walk out of the doors of a meeting and never come back. All of that is my choice.

Finally, take a moment and just do a search for “Who is in charge of AA”. Leadership is distributed within the individual meetings. I have never in my entire life witnessed such an organization and such a strong example of delegated authority working so effectively. In what is now hundreds of AA meetings that I have attended, not once did I hear the phrase, “nationals told us to do X, Y or Z” or “our great and powerful leader Ned has instructed us all to go to Disneyland”. Never. Not once.

When it comes down to it, AA has a single purpose highlighted in Tradition 5 - “Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.”

Seriously, if it’s a cult it’s the worst cult I’ve ever seen, they literally have an open door policy, come and go as you please. Onto a one that is a slightly more valid critique…

It’s a pseudo religion

I’ve seen critiques of AA come at this one from both sides of the religious spectrum. Atheists express discontent that AA stands firm on the belief in a higher power to achieve recovery. Then religious folks see AA as a (potential) stand in for their belief system and they express concern over people praising a false idol in AA. To address this two pronged attack, I will go back to this being a problem of ego. AA has worked for atheists, and the book actually has a full chapter dedicated to the topic.

For those religious members who struggle with AA, Tradition 2 of AA states “For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience.” There is no talk of replacing your belief structure, only that you trust and commit yourself to believing that there is a power out there greater than your own and that power can help alleviate you from your suffering.

I will be blunt here, I have seen more individuals from the far religious side of the spectrum push back on AA harder than atheists. I’m not going to dive deep into that one here, but do just want it noted.

I will share this from my experience - if I want to feel a deep connection to God and to Lucy, I don’t go to church, I go to my AA home meeting in the morning. It’s there, surrounded by other alcoholics, that I really feel connected with those two relationships in my life - my higher power and my daughter.

Ego and pride come into play on both these critiques of AA. Humans are fallible beings, we generally push back against change and discomfort. Recovery requires work, every single day. There is no method of entering recovery where you do not change some aspect of your life in a meaningful way, which always requires work.

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Unfortunately, I have witnessed time and time again people that are looking for a comfortable and easy way to solve their problem with addiction and alcohol. It is just not the case that solving that large of a problem can be anything short of disruptive to your life. Yet, it does not have to be destructive.

When it comes down to it, these critiques of AA are merely excuses that addicts cling to in order to avoid the discomfort of entering recovery. This is the harsh truth. Individuals who are not willing to do the work will find these critiques and hold to them as tightly as a a paltry life vest in the middle of a raging ocean instead of grasping for the extended hand reaching out to them from the safety of a lifeboat.

I have never met an individual who has found the solution to alcoholism who did it passively. Every single person had to put in significant amounts of work and effort.

In the next post, I will detail my own personal critiques and shortcomings from the AA programming that I feel are imperative to living a life in recovery or are too often overlooked.

If you are interested in finding out more, visit the Alcohol Anonymous website or download the “Meeting Guide” app on your phone, find a meeting happening near you and just go and listen. Your life could be changed.

That’s all I’ve got,

Kyle

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In this podcast episode I cover the most impactful exercise that I did in my time in rehab. It taught me two things.

1. How I will work tirelessly to avoid the future where I succumb to alcoholism

2. How much time in recovery I have in front of me if I take it one day at a time

This one got heavy and emotional. I made no edits, I want you to see how difficult this still is for me almost a year and a half later.

In this episode, I share some of the more impactful exercises and learnings from group sessions during the intensive inpatient experience during my time in rehab.

Interesting Articles & Reads

How to Go to Rehab When You Have a Job

Hot take - if you have a job, and you’re struggling with addiction, your job likely doesn’t matter and will not be changing the world. Now, we all have responsibilities to be able to provide for ourselves and our families. However, taking the time to get yourself on the road of recovery will be the guaranteed best investment you can make in your life. You will be able to provide at a rate that is incomprehensible to you right now if you are sitting there wondering how to make it work going to rehab while managing a career.

4 Tips for Returning to Work After Rehab

I have not broadly shared this, but when I went back to work I set myself a check-in 6 weeks later. The promise that I made to myself was that if my ability to handle work had not improved, that I was going to quit my job at that check-in and take time to find a new employer. A touch extreme, but I recognized that work was a primary stressor and trigger for my situation.

That’s all I’ve got! All the best,

Kyle Zibrowski

If you have found this content helpful, please share the channels and newsletter with others and drop a rating or comment on your channel of choice. These help others get exposed to the content who might be struggling themselves not knowing where to turn.

Spotify (must be on mobile app to rate or comment)

Apple Podcasts

If you are new here, welcome, you are not alone!

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Podcast Releases

Find the podcast on your streaming platform of choice: YouTube, Apple Podcast, Spotify. If you’ve been enjoying the podcast, please leave a rating and review! It helps the podcast reach new audiences who may be struggling.

This was one of the most fun episodes that I have ever put together. I have a conversation with one of my closest friends from rehab, Heidi. We have stayed in touch since our discharge from Northpoint rehab. Heidi shares her story in a compellingly honest manner. The discussion dives into the deeper details and experiences from our rehab experience.

In this podcast episode I cover the most impactful exercise that I did in my time in rehab. It taught me two things.

1. How I will work tirelessly to avoid the future where I succumb to alcoholism

2. How much time in recovery I have in front of me if I take it one day at a time

This one got heavy and emotional. I made no edits, I want you to see how difficult this still is for me almost a year and a half later.

Interesting Articles & Reads

The Significance of Rehab Alumni Programs

One of the red flags that should go up if you search for a rehab center is if they do not have an alumni program. These programs first and foremost show that there are people who have been successful from the programming the center conducts. Secondly, it provides a community for you in the weeks, months and years after you leave as a patient. I have stayed in touch and involved through the alumni program at NorthPoint and it is incredible to see the years in recovery that exist within that group.

Addiction Art Project Ideas for Addiction Recovery

Ugh, gag. I rolled my eyes every single time that we had art therapy activities come up during my rehab and after care experience. I had to lean real hard on the promise that I made to myself to participate fully in everything. The surprise? Every single session I extracted something meaningful out of the experience. I even kept a few of my creations and revisit them every now and then. One of the boxes I make holds all of my AA milestone chips and sits on my dresser. Let go of your judgement, put real effort into it and I think you’ll be surprised how healing these exercises can be.

That’s all I’ve got! All the best,

Kyle Zibrowski

If you have found this content helpful, please share the channels and newsletter with others and drop a rating or comment on your channel of choice. These help others get exposed to the content who might be struggling themselves not knowing where to turn.

Spotify (must be on mobile app to rate or comment)

Apple Podcasts

If you are new here, welcome, you are not alone!

Subscribe now

Podcast Releases

Find the podcast on your streaming platform of choice: YouTube, Apple Podcast, Spotify. If you’ve been enjoying the podcast, please leave a rating and review! It helps the podcast reach new audiences who may be struggling.

If you have been following along with our coverage of Chapter 3 and find yourself wanting to take the next steps with some treatment alternatives, this is the podcast for you. I cover everything from no cost, low disruption options all the way out to intensive inpatient rehabilitation centers (aka rehab) to give an overview of the various treatment options that exist for an addict. There is not a one size fits all for anyone in this space, so understanding the landscape is important for anyone that wishes to seek a life in recovery.

This was one of the most fun episodes that I have ever put together. I have a conversation with one of my closest friends from rehab, Heidi. We have stayed in touch since our discharge from Northpoint rehab. Heidi shares her story in a compellingly honest manner. The discussion dives into the deeper details and experiences from our rehab experience.

Interesting Articles & Reads

Rebuilding Trust After Addiction

Time takes time. Just assume that every single relationship in your life will be different and altered in some manner. And then focus on making and living your amends.

PHP vs. IOP: Which is Right for You?

Some may choose either of these options as their entry into recovery. I used these programs as a part of my step down from the in patient rehab experience.

That’s all I’ve got! All the best,

Kyle Zibrowski

To help put this work in front of others who may be struggling, please take a minute to leave a rating and review on your channel of choice, or share these articles with anyone you may feel would be interested!

Spotify (must be on mobile app to rate or comment)

Apple Podcasts

If you are new here, welcome, you are not alone!

Subscribe now

Podcast Releases

Find the podcast on your streaming platform of choice: YouTube, Apple Podcast, Spotify. If you’ve been enjoying the podcast, please leave a rating and review! It helps the podcast reach new audiences who may be struggling.

We did it! After 30 episodes, we finally will be wrapping up Chapter 3 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. When I first conceived of the concept of doing the Chapter 3 Stigma project, I genuinely envisioned creating 2-3 episodes that covered the chapter and overlayed my story. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined it would take on the life that it has had up to this point with the podcast and the newsletter. Thank you to all who have been following along up to this point!

If you have been following along with our coverage of Chapter 3 and find yourself wanting to take the next steps with some treatment alternatives, this is the podcast for you. I cover everything from no cost, low disruption options all the way out to intensive inpatient rehabilitation centers (aka rehab) to give an overview of the various treatment options that exist for an addict. There is not a one size fits all for anyone in this space, so understanding the landscape is important for anyone that wishes to seek a life in recovery.

Interesting Articles & Reads

What is the Difference Between Mental and Emotional Health?

As my time in recovery progresses, I continue to think about Mental Health as a subcomponent of Physical Fitness. I do this because I have experienced that the distinction between my physical systems and my mental state of being were impossible for me to differentiate. I find it incredibly beneficial to parse out the Emotional Health/Fitness from the Physical part as emotions can rise up and hit you seemingly at random and therefore I felt that it deserved to be distinct.

What is Acute Trauma?

Trauma is something that deserves a bit of a longer post from me someday, but for now we’ll start with this article. Trauma is one of the 3 forces that are capable of pushing anyone over the threshold of becoming an alcoholic.

That’s all I’ve got! All the best,

Kyle Zibrowski